struggling again

It is amazing how one week I am doing great and feel like I know God is moving, to the next week I feel bombarded by loneliness and struggles.

Have I made myself into such an island that no one feels the need to check on me and to genuinely ask how I am doing? Have I put up a front that being a mom of 4 is easy? My own husband doesn't ask me.  I definitely don't do this on my own strength.  I rely totally on God.

I guess this is something I have always struggled with from time to time. I remember high school feeling like I was always the one that had to keep the friendship going.  That I was never special enough for people to want to really be my friend. That I was just tolerable and someone to round out the numbers.  In college, I roomed with 3 of my closest friends from high school and they had to interview me to make sure I would work out as a room mate.

Is it me? Am I the horrible friend? Right now, I am so busy coming and going, I have so much going through my mind.  I think about the people in my life but at that moment it is impossible to reach out to them.

I guess I am just full of selfishness and need not think about what I want or need.  I just need to focus on what God wants me to do and rely on Him to provide for me.  SO much easier said than done but I don't want to have this crappy feeling inside anymore. It wears me out and tears me down and causes me to be less of who God calls me to be.

failing

That feeling of failing...over and over and over.  Like you just can't seem to get it right. It being life, relationship with God, relationships around me, my weight...I just feel like I am failing something awful.

I weigh more than I ever have. I am frustrated with myself over stuff in the bedroom.  I can't seem to keep the house clean or the laundry done.  I feel like I am in this waiting pattern that won't end.  I need something to change.  I have no clue what.  I have been praying and praying and praying. I don't doubt God has heard me and cares about the things that weigh me down.  But why can't I change? I want it and desire it so badly.  But daily I fail.

Lord, I need you desperately.  I want to take my eyes off of me and onto you and only you.

My hearts true cry

I want my life to reflect Jesus.  I am so tired of looking like this world.  I want to look like Jesus.  I want  my children to know who Jesus is in my life.  Oh, Lord....we are so distracted by everything.  I want You! I need You!  My schedule is so busy coming and going and doing nothing of importance!  JESUS!!!  I am so tired of the ups and downs.....I want to be consistent because You are the center of my all!!

Lord, bring the Your people to their knees in repentance for their lukewarm lives....For becoming apart of the world.  No one can look at me and know I love You with my all!  I am so sorry, I repent! Jesus I need you! Not just in the my life isn't what I want way...I want it in a I will do anything for you because You love me and You are my everything.  I want to be used by you oh Lord!!!  I want to be a vessel  for You!!

I have tried too long to do life without You as my all. I am floundering...I am suffocating...I am stuck among the weeds....those around me are suffering because I am doing it without You!!! This is my hearts cry...to look like You. To have people look at me and see YOU! To see your love, to see your forgiveness, to see your grace!

blameless

Man God has been dealing with me....refining me....I love it!! His word for me lately has been to be blameless.  Daily I have been asking God to help me be blameless. I want Him to show me where I have roots of bitterness, jealousy, laziness, judgement. I want them to be gone. I want to live a blameless life.  No, I am not perfect. He doesn't call me to be perfect, He calls me to be blameless.  An example: A friend and I disagree about something and things were said that hurt.  I start thinking in my head about how that friend said this or that. Then a seed of bitterness is planted. We start hanging out and everything this friend says or does starts to annoy me, then I judge their motives and question if what they are doing is godly.  I struggle with why I am having issues with this friend.  I thought I forgave them for their wrong.  But wait, what is it God is calling me to do? To be blameless, as soon as the seed falls, I call on God to remove it.  I tell the friend that I am sorry for the things I may have said and I truly forgive and allow God to help me forget.  Now, the things they said that I want to forget may still be whispered to me in the dark of night, but instead of dwelling on it or letting the seed take root, allow God to remove it.  I say " God help me to be blameless, I give you the honor and glory for all that you are doing in me. Forgive me for allowing an offense to cause me to sin. Bless my friend and may your glory and joy shine on them." And you praise Him for who He is!

"¹¹ May God our Father and our Lord Jesus bring us to you very soon. ¹² And may the Lord make your love for one another and for all people grow and overflow, just as our love for you overflows. ¹³ May he, as a result, make your hearts strong, blameless, and holy as you stand before God our Father when our Lord Jesus comes again with all his holy people. Amen." 1 Thessalonians 3:11-13

the enemy at work

How the enemy works in our lives.....I am not completely secure in who I am.  I have always felt like I am in other peoples shadows and that I am never good enough to step out of them.  I do not have a dominate personality a majority of my family and friends have big personalities.  I don't want to compete for attention.  I would rather stand in the background than have to fight to be seen or heard.

Recently a friend and I had a disagreement about something.  To most it wouldn't be a big deal but for me the enemy used it against me.  I came away hurt and feeling even more insecure than before.  For weeks I have just avoided her and not wanted to open up to her at all.  I stick to a group setting so I can avoid talking to her.  I don't trust her with my heart...not in a weirdo way but in a sister way.  I don't trust her with the little bit of security I offered her.  I did write her a brief note telling her most of what I was feeling.  I am still processing what could have gone wrong.

Today, as I was praying I realized how much the enemy wants to steal from me.  To prevent a godly friendship from growing and bringing God glory.  The enemy used my insecurities against me.  He kept throwing her words in my face and whispering them in my ear at night. How dare he?  I am a child of the One True King and the enemy better stop messing with me.  I won't stand for it any longer!

I need my security to be in God and have my shield and sword to do battle. I am tired of the enemy stealing our marriages and friendships!

Happy Mother's Day!

Today is mother's day! I want to share what God revealed to me last night while talking to my husband.  Here is a gift to all my mother friends!

I was telling my husband how I am not a good teacher.  I don't know how to make moments that happen in life become teachable moments for my children.  My hubby said something along the lines that he has known many parents that were great teachers but their actions were different than what they taught their kids.  And those kids have turned into adults that struggle with the doing the same acts their parents tried teaching them not to do.

That is when God whispered to my heart.  I gave you those children; follow Me, love Me, trust Me, obey Me and I will teach your children through you. You are the perfect mom for them, I chose you to be their mommy.  Your walk with Me is exactly what they need for Me to touch their hearts and bring them into My loving arms.

Amazing!

Happy Mother's Day!

A small reminder leads to changes

Alyssa and I had a big fight last week.  It was over something small but it had been brewing for awhile.  She and I have always butted heads but lately her attitude and demeanor towards has been very disrespectful.  This particular morning I was taking her to school and she was crying and I was crying. I dropped her off and just prayed all the way home.  As I pulled up to our driveway the wooded lot in front of our house was covered in a dense fog. Behind the fog the sun was rising.  God whispered deep in my soul...my mercies are new every morning.  Through the fog and hard times, I am there.  It may feel as if I am far away but I will cause the fog to dissipate and things will get better, trust in me.  I ran into the house and took a picture as a reminder.

I have been praying over my girl.  Things are getting better. I pray our relationship will be renewed and rebuilt before it is too late and she seeks confirmation elsewhere.  I love her dearly.  I am so thankful for my God that reminds He is always here.  That I just need to trust in Him as we walk through this life.

fruit

SO much is going on in my head today...

I love when God gives you just a simple truth and it can change your life! I was praying for my son because he gets really upset whenever he doesn't get his way.  I want him to be happy and joyful.  I was asking God what he needs to feel joyful.  And BAM! "²² But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,²³ gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!" Galations 5:22-23 As I was praying that my son would have the Holy Spirit be prevalent in his life. I felt like God was saying to me "which of these fruits do you see in your life?" Oh wowza! love...yes I love my children and my husband and my close friends and some family...but love? hmm....joy..nope, i just feel like i am in a constant state of tense...peace...most of the time but what if something major happened? patience, kindness, goodness, and gentleness?? just ask my children about those! They would probably tell you I am mean mommy!  Faithfulness? i am faithful when it counts but in the small things..kinda...self-control....ummmmm ask those 10 fun size butterfingers i just ate... So, needless to say I think I am missing something in my life. What little fruit I do have is small and kinda withered looking.  I want my fruit to be the talk of the town...the one that the people come far and wide to see.  But how do I do that?  How?  What am I feeding myself?  Is my fruit affected my weeds? Are the weeds blocking the supply to my fruit? Taking away the nutrients the fruit needs?? Lord, HELP ME!  I can't do this on my own.  I need you!  I need you and only you!  I want to crave you and only you!!! I don't want to be mediocre anymore! I want fruit that is healthy!

Anyway the rest can wait.  that is the biggest thing God is working on me!

Just putting this out there

Most of you know that my last pregnancy was difficult.  I had thyroid problems and just felt blah about 75% of my pregnancy.  Well starting in September I started having some of the same symptoms.  I had blood work done and the doctor said my levels were in the normal range.  The only issue that concerned me was the jitteriness I had.  And when I get jittery I have a very hard time controlling my irritability level.  And I tend to blow up on my kids a lot right now.  So I looked up online and found that many people don't feel normal when they are at the levels I am at.  I made an appointment with my endo doctor.  She is hard to see and it always takes 2 hours of waiting.  I went yesterday.  Told her how I was feeling and she dismissed all I said.  Then she said well you know that after having a baby you can feel depressed, here is a prescription for zoloft.  UGH! I left frustrated and almost in tears. Why do doctor's want to treat everything with medication.  She is a specialist doctor and really has no business diagnosing me with anxiety.  I think I would have felt better had she said something like, I really don't believe it is your thyroid, but to make you feel better let's do some more blood work, and if that comes back normal, I would suggest you see your regular doctor and they may be able to help you more.

And what makes me more frustrated is my DH, I think, agrees that it is just anxiety.  Though he said while talking to me "that he isn't saying that it is anxiety" but he talked to his mom about it all and she said I have had a lot on my plate and blah blah blah.  Please don't misunderstand me.  I am a mom of four children, my oldest is six.  I do have a lot on my plate.  But the jitteriness I get was exactly the same as when my thyroid levels were low.  I understand people really do suffer from anxiety and I am in no way down playing anything that they are feeling or  suffering from.  I just honestly don't think that is what is wrong with me.  And to be just thrown aside like I don't know what I am talking about is frustrating.  And if it is my thyroid levels I only have two doctors kinda close that I could go to, her and another doctor in Tally. I may try to get a second opinion. We will see tho. I may just tough it out and see if it goes away when I am done nursing and my hormones go back to normal.

I dislike having anything wrong with me. I tend to just ignore it and believe that God will heal me from whatever it may be.  SO I will believe that I am healed right now.!

Today I am 30

This is my birthday. I can honesty say I can feel a shift in my life. I am old and wise now :) okay not really but something is different.

Back before I got married I prayed a DUMB prayer. I don't know what I was thinking but I did it. I asked God to always keep my relationship with Him on the same level as my husbands. DUMB!! Man, have I seen this prayer answered. Of all the things Godi answers why this one?? Don't get me wrong, my hubby has a good relationship with Jesus and he is wise beyond his years. But his hunger for God isn't at the level I want for my own life. I have struggled and struggled until finally last week God revealed to me my DUMB prayer!! I repented and feel like a flood gate has opened for me! I have this hunger for God and all He has to offer me!

My biggest struggle is being a mom. It is constant, when I am asleep and when I am awake. I was talking to my mom about what she did when we were young to help her be a better mom. She says she listened to Jameas Dobson and read some of his books. So I ordered the same books she read 30 years ago! They are still relevant! And I can download his radio show onto my phone! I listen while I am in the car. The other author I have been reading is Lysa Terhuerst. Man, her writing speaks to me.

Anyway, I finally feel as if I am growing. I don't have that floundering through life feeling anymore. It is amazing! I

Joy

I think I need to come to the realization that this is my life. All craziness and juggling. With four children life is is a whirlwind. I fall into bed at night completely exhausted. I get little me time. But I need to be okay with my life. I need joy to be a permanent resident in my home. I now understand the verse that says the joy of the Lord is your strength. Without joy my life is messy and annoying. Handling my children isn't easier but there is so much more grace with I have the joy of the Lord. There is so much in our society that try's to steal our joy. Moms judging each other. Moms trying to keep up with the newest parenting technique. Family dynamics that challenge you daily. Friends that are well meaning. But each situation we are presented with is seen in such a different light when we are filled with joy. You don't have to be happy to have joy. You can be going through the hardest time in your life and still have joy. I want that. I want joy so I can come through this depths of motherhood with my sanity.

confessions of a "Supermom"

I get told a lot how brave I am or that I am a super mom. For some reason I recoil at these comments. I am not a super mom and I am not brave...my husband and I look at each other a lot and ask if we are just plum crazy.  I know that is what people think when they see me out and about with all four kids in tow. 

What makes a super mom? I sure don't feel like one and I don't want the pressure that creates.  I am Alyssa's mom.  I am Johnny's mom.  I am Michelle's mom. And I am Amelia's mom.  I am the mom of four active stubborn creative kids.  I fail multiple times a day.  I beg God to help me daily.  I yell, a lot.  I told Alyssa today that I need to work on it. I am not perfect. I am not brave.  I am just a mom.

To me a brave super mom is one that isn't selfish and pours every ounce of themselves into their children.  I am extremely selfish and with each child I bring into this world, I learn how selfish I am.  A super mom teaches their children to care about others above themselves.  If I could just get mine to learn how to flush the potty I am doing good.  A super mom reads books daily to their children.  I am good if I get one book partially read to them once a week. A super mom speaks in gentle tones and never get angry with their child. I yell, scream, breath fire daily. A super mom kisses boo-boos.  I hand mine a bandaid and tell them to get tough.  A super mom knows how to spot and prevent a fight about to errupt.  I somehow just make the fighting worse.  A super mom makes well balanced meals and has a  spotless house. HAHAHAHA...that is all I can say to that one. I could go on and on but I won't.

I say all of this to say I care about my children and I am learning daily what to do.  I want to win my child's heart.  That is what matters.  I am honest with my children.  I tell them and they see me cry out to God for help. God is my strength.  God is who is going to grow my children.  I am just a vessel He uses.  And daily I have to remind myself God gave me these four beautiful children, so He had to think I would be able to do this.  Being called a super mom implys I am the one that is doing it.  I am not because my children would be terrible if I was.  God is doing it through me.

Don't call me a super mom...just call me mom.

moving

so we have to move this weekend.  Our builder bought our house and is moving in while he builds his family a new one.  They unexpectedly sold their house and have to be out by nextwe ek.  So we have to be out by this weekend!  I am so mixed on this move.  I am excited about the new house and neighborhood.  I am bummed about leaving this house.  I have brought all four of my children home here.  It is full of so many memories.  I am going to miss my neighbor.  I just pray whoever ends up here will be an awesome neighbor to her.  I have lived on summerhill a majority of my life.  I moved here when I was in fourth grade. Moved away for college and bought a house a half a mile from my old one.  I am sad and unprepared for this!  But once we get to the new house I will be so excited!! 

Normally I am not one to be sentimental.  I just move on, but for some reason this one is harder than I thought!  Probably because the house doesn't seem like it will be ready this weekend.  There is a list of small things for them to fix!

And it is the start of summer and I am moving across town from our summer activity...swimming at Nana's pool!!! But it will all work out and we are so so so blessed.  God has blessed us in so many ways! I jsut pray everyone involved has felt God's love on our home.

Amelia's Birth

My fourth pregnancy was hard and I did not wait very patiently for it to be over.  Now that it is over I feel better than I did for nine months!

On Tuesday April 24th, I went to see my doctor, Novak, and I was 4cm dialated.  I begged him to help me out and strip me that day.  He said no, I won't do anything until you are 39 weeks.  I was sooo bummed.  There was a med student there and he examined me as well.  I didn't think much of it.

On Sunday, my neice had her birthday party.  Her grandad, Jackson, happens to be my obgyn.  He was also on call that night.  I tried talking him into meeting me up at the hospital after the party was over.  He wouldn't do it.  My mom even tried!  He said he wouldn't do anything until I was 39 weeks.  (which I am so thankful they wait.  Because it is safer for mom and baby!)

I had been having a lot of pains in my legs for a few days and it had gotten really bad by monday.  I felt as if my legs were bruised and they were tender to touch.  I had another appointment on Tuesday so I just waited to talk to the dr, Novak.  I got there and he walks in the room, without the student, and says...wanna be stripped today?  I said Yes!!  (I have been stripped before with other pregnancies without much success. I was pretty sure it wouldn't do anything) So he did that and I told him about my legs hurting.  He sends me to the hospital to get a ultrasound of my veins to make sure there are no blood clots.  The lady doing the ultrasound says how low the baby's head is and that she can't get a good veiw of one vein.  I don't have any clots she can see.  So they let me go home. 

I have a busy afternoon and so I run all over the place, I can't remember what all I had to do I just remember being all over the place that night.  I hadn't had any contractions so I just knew I wouldn't be having this baby that day.  I do know Matthew had to work really late and I had three kids to take all over the place.

Matthew got home around ten and I told him "I am going to bed, I want to get a good night sleep just in case I have a baby in the morning," I go to bed and have the best night sleep in weeks.

May 2nd 2012
I wake up around six. I feel good and I just want some alone time before I have to get kids up and ready before school.  I wanted a shower but was too lazy to take one, sure wish I had! I ate breakfast and went to get kiddos out of bed.  Once all three were up I started getting very easily irritated.  Everything they did was getting to me.  Then I started having what i thought was braxton hicks.  They were interupting my carefully timed morning routine.  I went to wake up Matthew to ask him to help me with the kids.  He looks at me and asks if I was in labor.  Isaid I don't know I just need to get the kids ready and off to school.  They weren't really regular, every 3 to 5 minutes sometimes 10 minutes.  I called my sis-in-law, who happens to be a nurse at my obgyn, and told her what was going on. She laughs and terlls me to go to the hospital. Soo, not only am i getting kids ready for school, now I am finishing up packing last minute things for my bag and the kids.  We finally get out the door by 7:40. Matthew asks me if he should just drop kids off at his parents and let them take them to school.  I say nah.... So we proceed to take Alyssa to school.  Matthew gets nervous because by this point I can't talk through the contractions.  School traffic is thick and Matthew gets more  and more nervous.  He doesn't want this baby to come in the car.  I tell him there are cops all over and we're fine.  We make it to Johnny's school and then take Michelle to the Y.  I call all the right people to let them know they need tog et kids and at what time. 

We make it to the hospital and get checked in about 8:10.  The nurse checks me and I am still at 4cms.  My contractions are hard and my stomach is really upset.  I can't go to the labor room until the doctor comes and checks me.  He gets there around 9:30 and I am "4 to 5 cm"  So not much progress at all.  I have to have an antibiotic because of GBS and once the first dose went through he would break my water.  At 10, I finally get moved to a labor room and have an iv set up.  My contractions are hard but  not unbearable. I am also given something to help settle my stomach.  It makes me sleepy but also helps relax me.  I have to labor on my back but I am okay with that because moving makes the contractions harder and faster.  I am told once the anitbiotic is done I can walk, get on a birthing ball, or whatever helps me through the pain.  Around 11:15 I keep feeling pressure and call a nurse.  She comes and checks me my water is bulging and she can't find my cervix.  She calls another nurse and she says the same thing.  They say they are going to call Dr jackson, who has the med student with him.  (Funny story, the med student happens to be someone I knew growing up.  His sister and mine were best friends when they were younger.  His mom and mine are friends. And Matthew did computer work for his mom a few years ago.  Small world!) While we wait I push a little just to help with the pain....my water exploded. Imagine shaking a coke and the openning it...yea the same thing happened with my water!  It is 11:30 and she said dr. j is on his way.  I tell her I need to push  and she tells me to let the contraction go and I can't push!  I tell her she is mean :)  I have another contraction and I need to push and the nurse telle me know...and I again say she is mean :) As soon as dr. J walks in the room I practically yell at him I need to push...he says okay. He looks to see how it is going and he says let's go...two pushes her head was out and another push and her shoulder was out.  Dr. J had to help because her shoulder was stuck but not as bad as Michelle's.  The med student even got to help.  It was his first time helping with a delivery, he had been in the room with some.  I didn't care who helped, I just wanted her out. 

Matthew was the one to tell me what the baby was.....He was sure it was a boy and I just knew it was a girl!  And I was right!  Amelia Rose was born at 11:45 am!  She was 9lbs 13oz and 21 inches long.  She is such a good baby.  I have been blessed with four amazingly wonderful children!!

An end in sight

Being extremely pregnant and having a house that is in the finishing stage is sohard.  Just having one with an unknown date is hard, but two!!  Geeze I am going crazy here!!  Well, I was up until yesterday.

The doctor has been concerned about the size of this baby since I got pregnant.  On Monday, I had an ultrasound and the baby's estimated weight wasn't only 7lbs.  I think the doctor was thinking it would be 9 or 10 lbs.  I was hoping that I would be progressing, but I am 2cm dilated and very posterior.  The doctor did schedule to have me induced on May 7th.  I am praying I will have this baby before then.  As in 2 or 3 days.  With four different pregnancies you would think I would have had any kind of pain associated with being preggers. But no this time my skin feels like it is on fire and hurts.  I can't  handle my kids touching my belly because it hurts.  I have been walking a mile or over every day trying to walk this baby out.  I want what is best for this baby and I know it will come on the right day!!  I would just much rather it come naturally!!

We will be moving into our house by mid-May.  Probably around the 18th or 19th will be our offical moving day.  We are so excited.  It is somehwht surreal that that will be our home. I am trying to imagine all of our stuff thereand living in it.  Each time we go and see another finishing details I can picture it a little more. 

So there are two updates.

Onto my kiddos....Alyssa graduates from kindergarten in a few weeks. I can't believe it.  She has shown herself to be a perfectionist with her school work.  Her teacher said she erases more than any other student. Johnny is a boy.  He is feelign the changes and has been acting up a lot towards me.  When he doesn't get what he wants he pitches an ugly fit.  But he is so loving at times.  Just randomly coming up to me and saying he loves me.  He is my question kid.  He asks me so many questions and I think I have to tell him "I don't know" about 80% of the time.  Michelle is trying to become independant. She wants to do everything and it causes quite the battle.  I try to let her do most things but some mornings I just don't have the time. And we have melt downs and fits.  But each child will learn and go through this.  She has such a personality on her.  Normally it only comes out when it is just family.  The girl loves to sing and dance. 

So there is a quick update on these three.  I love them and woulnd't trade them!

My mood as of late

I don't really have much to say but I haven't blogged in awhile.  I feel like my life is in a place of waiting.  Waiting for the baby to come and waiting for our house to be finished.  One day I will be good with the waiting and other days I do horribly.  Lately it has been rough waiting for this baby to get here.  I am beyond uncomfortable.  I eat anything and it leaves my stomach upset and a bad taste in my mouth.  It is not much fun.  The house is exciting and I want it to be just right so the waiting for that is going pretty easy.  The kids and I drive by once a day because it is on my way to get Alyssa from school.  They are enjoying seeing the daily progress.  Pretty soon we won't be able to tell much difference just by driving by.  We will have to go inside to see the finishing details. 

I keep getting the verse "⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Phillipians 4:6(NIV) I am trying not to be too anxious about the end of my pregnancy.  I have about six weeks left if I go full term.  I know the dr has talked about inducing me at 39 weeks because of my last baby have shoulder dystocia, she basically got stuck and had to be forcfully pulled/pushed out.  I am praying for the perfect date and the perfect delivery with no complications.  I would love to have the baby early but I want what is best for the baby's health.

I am ready to know if it is a boy or girl. I will be so elated when the dr or Matthew says, "it's a ...." I haven't felt the same bond with this baby like I have with the other three.  I think it has to do with this being a hard pregnancy and not knowing what to call baby.  And probably having to handle three kids, that are at three different stages, doesn't help.  I am ready to hold and kiss on my baby.

Needless to say, I am kinda obsessed with being pregnant. I have a constant reminder that I am large and uncomfortable. 

hmmm

I was at our group Sunday night and we were just worshipping God.  I have lost my voice so I just sat and drank in the worship.  God revealed something to me.  I have become extremely selfish.  It has gotten worse with this pregnancy and all of the junk going along with it.  I do get tired easily and There are many times I just need to sit and put my feet up.  But My alone time is very selfish.  I felt God I need to be selflessly alone.  As in instead of being a bum and watching tv and reading books.  Spend my time with Him in prayer for my family and friends and take on a warrior attitude for the things that belong to Him.  It is amazing how becoming self-absorbed can change you. 

Then later in the group we were all talking and someone mentioned that they don't hear or feel God.  And someone replied that they use to feel that way until they started proclaiming everyday "God I know you are there, whether I feel you and hear you I know by faith you are here with me."  I realized I need to proclaim, "God I know you are here with me, you gave me these children for a reason.  I am the best mom for them.  I know you are here and by faith I believe you will always guide me in raising them. I am not perfect and I may not feel you daily, that doesn't mean you have left me."

*On another note, our lot has been cleared!!  The builder should start the foundation next week!  Matthew and I are trying to make as many decisions about the house now so that as I get father along in my pregnancy we won't have to worry about it.  We have bought our appliances!  As an adult it is one of those purchases that is really exciting.  We weren't going to buy them yet but there was a really really good deal for Presidents Day. Now were are trying to figure out kids bedrooms and colors and which child will be where.  Not knowing what we are having is making that just a tad harder but we aren't worried about it.

My Valentine's Gifts

This Valentine's Day, Matthew and I decided not to do anything for each other.  Our house can't hold any more stuff and we need to save our money.  We got the kids a little candy but nothing big. 

My day started out rough.  I had my 3 hour glucose test ( 3 hours ha...I was at the place for 5 hours!) I felt weak and tired.  I had to find someone to pick up my kids from the y and school.  I knew I had to come home and clean because someone was coming to look at our house.  I just didn't have the energy. 

I had gestational diabetes with my child and didn't with my other two.  My third was 9lbs 3oz and the doctors were sure I had gd and it was undiagnoised.  So this time I atr whatever I wanted the week before just to make sure I wasn't "cheating" the system.  I went into this test knowing I would have GD and was prepared to have to prick my finger many times a day and be miserable because I couldn't eat what I was craving...right now that is yogart and chocolate milk.  I told Matthew it was okay if I did because I don'y want to risk having another big baby and having that baby get stuck too.

I go home and eat my "last" fun meal, which is Chik-fil-a, and don't expect to hear anything until the morning.  I get the house picked up.  The guy comes and looks at our house and can't believe it hasn't sold yet.  He writes a contract right there and our house will be sold before the baby comes. 

Oh and the guy just happens to be our builder for our new house.  Which should be done about April 30th or so....my due date is May 11th.  I have been two weeks early with my last two pregnancies.  Do you see how that lines up??  I could potentially be moving into a new house and having a baby on the same day!!!  I am soo thankful God is working out things out and this whole process started a week ago.  And we will probably be breaking ground next week or sooner!  We just have to get all of the paperwork done and loans taken care of.  When we bought our lot we made sure the houseplans we had would be approved by the HOA and we had all of the septic stuff taken care of.  So a lot of that work that takeweek is already done!!  I really like our builder.  He is a country boy and is pretty geniuine. 

He leaves and my phone rings.  It is my doctor's office.  I passed my test and don't have GD  I do need to watch what I eat but I don't have to eliminate sugar from my diet completely. 

I am thrilled and shocked.  I was so sure I had GD.  I with these two things happen my God was telling me that He loved me and cared about me.  It was His valentine's gift to me.  I fewlt His love just pour over me.  And on top of everything my husband was home early from work to meet with the builder.  He saw how weak I was feeling from the test and cooked dinner for the family. I felt so loved!!!

2012, what will it hold?

The past few days I have been trying to figure out what my goal for 2012 should be.  I can't seem to come up with anything specific.  I just hear God telling me to rest in Him.  This is not an easy thing to do for me.  I can very easily do nothing and think I am resting. But that isn't what He wants from me.  Yes, I do have to do a lot of nothing during this pregnancy or else I will be too worn down to care for my family.

I simply want to have God's will done in my life.  It isn't the worring about tomorrow that gets me because I know He is in control.  It is the daily how to handle each moment with my children. Weither they are being great or they are being pitas.  It is how to handle the cleaning so that my family will not be stressed by my messy. It is how to handle the cooking so that my family eats healthy and has food they enjoy.  I want God's will and direction in those areas. 

I look forward to what 2012 has in store for my family.  I feel an excitement in my spirit that God has something big(or small) for us. I just want to open and ready for what He has for me and my family.

Life brings Ups and Downs

Last week was a down week for me.  I had a doctor's appointment with the endochrnologist on Tuesday.  She had an ultrasound of my thyroid done and was able to review it at my appointment right after. She did not come in with good news.  She said my thyroid was abnormal and lumpy.  Which is an indication I have a mild form of graves disease (what an awful name!!).  She was in a hurry and my husband and I were following out the door asking questions.  I left confused more than anything.  They had done my bloodwork  about a month ago and at that appointment she told me that my antibody count was negative so I probably didn't have this. She told me then that my hypertyroid would go away by the second trimester or the birth of the baby.  And now she is saying it isn't because of hormone levels and that it is some disease I will have the rest of my life.  It is an autoimmune disorder and they can mask the symptoms but not get rid of it. 

I thought I was handling things well but as the week went on I got more and more frustrated with my kiddos and just blew up on Friday.  My husband keeps telling me God will heal me and there is nothing to worry about.  I know He can heal me. But I am struggling.  I always pray for healing when my kiddos are sick or someone close is sick but it never seems to happen.  I can pray for things like a faster trip home from VA and hardly any traffic and God answers that.  I know He answers my prayers. I see it happen all the time.  Except when I pray for healing.  I just pray His will be done.  It is all I know how to pray right now. 

On a happier note I did get to see my baby last week.  I need reassurance that things with the pregnancy are going well and God allowed me to see the baby earlier than I normally would.  It was the day after my awful appointment with the endo dr.  My hubby and I decided not to find out what we are having.  I really want this to be my last pregnancy because of everything going on and how rough things have been.  And we found out with the other three and it will be fun for a surprise and something more to look forward to after the end of all of this. 

We have talked about names.  We both like Amelia Evelyn for a girl  and Kenrick Allen for a boy. What do you think?  We still have until May to change our minds....so don't be surprised if we don't choose either of those :)