It is amazing how one week I am doing great and feel like I know God is moving, to the next week I feel bombarded by loneliness and struggles.
Have I made myself into such an island that no one feels the need to check on me and to genuinely ask how I am doing? Have I put up a front that being a mom of 4 is easy? My own husband doesn't ask me. I definitely don't do this on my own strength. I rely totally on God.
I guess this is something I have always struggled with from time to time. I remember high school feeling like I was always the one that had to keep the friendship going. That I was never special enough for people to want to really be my friend. That I was just tolerable and someone to round out the numbers. In college, I roomed with 3 of my closest friends from high school and they had to interview me to make sure I would work out as a room mate.
Is it me? Am I the horrible friend? Right now, I am so busy coming and going, I have so much going through my mind. I think about the people in my life but at that moment it is impossible to reach out to them.
I guess I am just full of selfishness and need not think about what I want or need. I just need to focus on what God wants me to do and rely on Him to provide for me. SO much easier said than done but I don't want to have this crappy feeling inside anymore. It wears me out and tears me down and causes me to be less of who God calls me to be.