Life brings Ups and Downs

Last week was a down week for me.  I had a doctor's appointment with the endochrnologist on Tuesday.  She had an ultrasound of my thyroid done and was able to review it at my appointment right after. She did not come in with good news.  She said my thyroid was abnormal and lumpy.  Which is an indication I have a mild form of graves disease (what an awful name!!).  She was in a hurry and my husband and I were following out the door asking questions.  I left confused more than anything.  They had done my bloodwork  about a month ago and at that appointment she told me that my antibody count was negative so I probably didn't have this. She told me then that my hypertyroid would go away by the second trimester or the birth of the baby.  And now she is saying it isn't because of hormone levels and that it is some disease I will have the rest of my life.  It is an autoimmune disorder and they can mask the symptoms but not get rid of it. 

I thought I was handling things well but as the week went on I got more and more frustrated with my kiddos and just blew up on Friday.  My husband keeps telling me God will heal me and there is nothing to worry about.  I know He can heal me. But I am struggling.  I always pray for healing when my kiddos are sick or someone close is sick but it never seems to happen.  I can pray for things like a faster trip home from VA and hardly any traffic and God answers that.  I know He answers my prayers. I see it happen all the time.  Except when I pray for healing.  I just pray His will be done.  It is all I know how to pray right now. 

On a happier note I did get to see my baby last week.  I need reassurance that things with the pregnancy are going well and God allowed me to see the baby earlier than I normally would.  It was the day after my awful appointment with the endo dr.  My hubby and I decided not to find out what we are having.  I really want this to be my last pregnancy because of everything going on and how rough things have been.  And we found out with the other three and it will be fun for a surprise and something more to look forward to after the end of all of this. 

We have talked about names.  We both like Amelia Evelyn for a girl  and Kenrick Allen for a boy. What do you think?  We still have until May to change our minds....so don't be surprised if we don't choose either of those :)

My Thankful List

It is the last day of November and the past few days I have felt extremely thankful.  Here are a few things I am thankful for...
1) My husband, he and I have been together since before we had any baggage to bring into our relationship.  We know each other inside and out.  I don't think any other man would "fit" me as perfectly as he does!!
2) Alyssa...we have our ups and downs but we love each other through it all.  She is growing up so fast! She is smart, silly, and wants to be just like me.  All she wants is a sewing machine to make things just like me!!
3) My sweet boy, Johnny.  He may run everywhere, be into everything, or terrorize his sisters, but he has a smile that melts my heart!  He is so loving and alwyas wants to cuddle.
4) Michelle...over thanksgiving my father-in-law decided she was me with a hint of Bradshaw thrown in.  I think it is the perfect mix!  She is sooo goofy whenever she is beyond tired.  I like to let her stay up late sometimes just to see her be so silly!
5) Baby 4... I already love and cherish this new life in me.  This may be a hard pregnancy but I keep telling our baby that it is no reflection of how much joy and love they already bring me.  (I get to see baby this afternoon!!!  We have decided not to find out what we are having!!!)
6)My family.  I don't know many families that are as close as we are.  My siblings and I are close, even if some of us get on each other nerves from time to time. I wouldn't trade them in or their friendships in for anything.  I have parents that support me in my decisions and rejoice whenever one of their children decides to extend the family.  I know many people that have a hard time being accepted whenever they decide to have a larger family.
7)My friends....new and old.  They have helped shape me into the woman I am today.  I love each and every one of you that has had a hand in molding me, whether it was a small part or large part. Thank you for acccepting me and loving me.
8) In high school I was always trying to be accepted by people or groups.  I never felt as if I truly fit in anywhere, except by a very small handful of people). But I can say, I am beyond thankful that my class was not one that bullied others, if they did I never saw it happen.  I don't know if I would have survived had I been bullied.  (I know so many children now that are bullied, they come home crying and miserable. I breaks my heart to see them being critized for being who they are...)
9) Creativity.  I never thought I would sew or bake like I do.  I love it and feel humbled that God has allowed me to see this part of myself.  I don't know how He will use it but I pray He will!
10)My husband's job.  He is very blessed to be working with Christian men, one guy even has a Bible study with one of the other guys that had many questions about what the Bible really says they meet during work hours because it is that important!!  If he ever needs time off for anything they will work with him and are so helpful.  He stays extremely busy but is there whenever I need him! And this job allows me to stay home with my babies!!
11) And one last thing....my relationship with my Lord and Savior.  He has been with me before I even knew what a relationship with Him was about.  He saved me from so many things. But most importantly He loves me.  He loves me beyond anything I can comprehend. And I am so thankful to have His love.  I want to serve Him in all I do and I am still learning and growing.....but I don't think that will ever stop until I am in Heaven.

I am so thankful for so many things in my life.  But right now these are the few that stick out. 

God knows.

I know most of you know I grew up catholic.  I left the catholic church at age 18 because I felt God calling me elsewhere.  My mom had a very hard time understanding my decision and I thought she still did.  But God likes to show us what we need at the right moment.  A lady I met that has a daughter 2 days older than one of my children goes to the Catholic church with my mom.  She told my mom that she really wished I was catholic because she really liked me and wanted tog et to know me better.  I guess she questioned my mom about why I left.  My mom told me her reply and it about made me cry.  She told her that out of her three children I am the one that has the most solid foundation and faith. That I will pray and encourage her whenever she needs it.  WOW!

For 11 years I never knew what my mom thought of my choice.  I have always felt like the black sheep of the family.  I was never as smart as my siblings, or as creative.  I was the quiet one that read books constantly.  I was never as atheletic as them.  But through that I have learned never to compare myself to them.  I know who I am. But to have my mom say that meant the world to me. 

Good news

So, I finally have a moment to sit down and update everyone.  I am starting to feel better.  I met with the endochrinologist last week and she had good news.  She said that my thyroid problem is all due to a pregnancy hormone hCG.  She said I should go back to normal after the baby comes.  Yay! I am still easily tired but I have learned what taxes me.  I am now starting my second trimester and I can tell.  That whole sour stomach thing has gotten better and I don't require two naps a day.  Although my morning nap last about 2 to 3 hours.  I do have trouble falling asleep at night.  I have had a horrible cough for a week and I bet once that is gone I will feel almost normal!

We are going to VA for Thanksgiving this year.  I am excited and I love to see my hubby's family. They are fun! There are 10 adults, 5 children, and 3 dogs staying at our aunts house.  craziness!!!  I can't believe the hoilday season is here.  The years are going way too fast!  I can only imagine how time is going to fly next year when Bradshaw 4 enters the world. 

Well, I hope everyone has an awesome day!!
Alaina

This is a long update on my pregnancy

I am 11 weeks now.  This pregnancy has been so different.  It all started on a Friday.  I had a bad migraine and took a tylenol 3.  I laid down and took a nap while MK played and made a mess.  I was suppose to pick up a friend's little girl after lunch to babysit while her mom worked in her home to do people's hair.  I felt very off.  I got in the car to pick up J from pre-k and felt like I was suppose to drive to my friends house first to tell her I wouldn't be getting her daughter for the day.  I barely made it in her driveway before I just felt odd.  My friend freaked out on me because she says I was super pale and was very incoherant.  I sat on her couch and waited for a nurse friend to get there to check me out, she just happened to be coming to get her hair done at that time.  She took my pulse and it was 150.  She called my doctor for me and took me to the doctor's office.  By the time I arrived my pulse had slowed down but I felt off still.  The doctor thought I was just allergic to the codine in the Tylenol 3.  I was told not to take anymore.  I left and my husband stayed home with all the kids while I just slept. 

The next week, I was jittery but not too bad.  I was able to function and take care of the kiddos.  I was super tired all the time though.  I was taking two naps a day.  I couldn't stay awake.  So, on a Sunday I had another episode.  It wasn't as bad but I could tell things were off.  I called my sister-in-law, who just happens to be a nurse at my obgyn's office and her dad just happens to be my obgyn.  She meet me at the office and they did bloodwork.  I slept the rest of the day. 

Monday morning I got a call that the results for my bloodwork came back with some of the thyroid levels off.  So they had made me an appointment with the family practice dr for Tuesday.  I went to that appointment.  They ran more bloodwork and did an ultrasound of my thyroid.  Because I am preggers they tell me there is nothing they can do and I need to go see an endochronlogist.  There are two in the area, both about 45 minutes away.  And both are really hard to get into see.  So, I wait a week and still don't have an appointment. 
The following Tuesday,I have my 10 week appointment and my follow-up appt on the same day back to back.  I go to the follow-up and he says the ultrasound revealed nodules in my thyroid.  That the endochyrinologist will do a biopsy to make suer they aren't cancerous.  I kinda freaked out.  I went to my husbands office and cried and cried and cried, pregnancy hormones! So, he took me to my first ob appointment.  Dr. J told me there wasn't much to worry about and that it is extremely rare for those nodules to be cancerous.  Thank you Jesus! We tried to listen for a heartbeat, he couldn't find one with the dopler so I got an unltrasound to see my tadpole.  (i had prayed the night before that I would get to see my baby, I was extremely nervous something bad was going to be wrong and I need some reassurance. He answered my prayers!) Dr. J asked if I had an appointment with the endochrynologist.  I told him no that I woulnd't know for another week.  He then made me an appointment with an E.N.T.  I thought it was kind of strange but I went anyway.  The ent was unsure why I was sent there too because I am preggers and he can't help me.  But he left the office and said let me make a phone call.  He came back and said he had gotten me in to the endochrynologist for the next morning at 8:30. yay!  Maybe I would get some answers.

I scrambled around to find someone to take care of each child, b/c it had to leave by 7:20 to get to the dr office. My wonderful family and friends took care of my kiddos.  I went to the endo dr. and was hopeful I would get some answers.  She talked in a lot of medical jargon that I didn't understand.  She did say, I hope you have good insurance. I guess that means I will be going there alot.  She did some blood work and said see you in two weeks.  That was a week ago.  I had a good week last week, but this week I have been jittery and extremely tired.  I have a hard time sleeping at night and my poor house is always in dissaray.  My sis-in-law has been trying to get my notes from the visit but they still dont' have them ready.  I just want an answer as to what is wrong and how they are treating me.  I know the endo dr doesn't think it is super serious because my levels weren't that bad. But from everything I have read about thyroid stuff it is pretty serious when pregnant.  The risks to baby are high if not treated correctly.  I have days where I get really nervous about everything.  But God keeps giving me this verse, James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” He will take care of me no matter the outcome.  I fully trust Him no matter what happens to me or baby.  I am praying that His will be done and not mine.  It is the only thing I can bring myself to pray. I beg God to heal me and protect my baby but I know He is in control and knows what He plans for our lives.  There may be hard times ahead or may be days of great rejoicing. I will choose to believe He has the very best for me.

Oh change....

Do you know that feeling you get when God is about to make a big request from you?  Where you start getting little clues that will better prepare you for something big? It is happening to me.  I love my family.  I love my siblings but my sister and I are very different.  Lately, probably because I am preggo, I am realizing that being around her alot isn't very good for me and having her kids around mine, isn't good for my kids.  I was watching Joyce Meyers this morning while working out. She was talking about how you need to stop hanging out with people that aren't good for you.  I don't pity my sister.  I never have.  What happened to her and our families was terrible.  But pity won't bring my neice back.  But Joyce said one little sentence that put that feeling that God was about to make me do soemthing. She said that people with no purpose think that people with purpose are too structured and rigid.  My sister and I parent very differently.  My goal as a parent is to raise my children up to be followers of Christ, respectful, loving, kind, and mature.  I am hard on my children. I expect a lot out of them.  I am not perfect.  I am not always successful.  I am not consistant. My children are handfuls.  I spank them, I raise my voice sternly at them (some may call it yelling, but there is a difference when I yell when I am mad or when I am getting a point across).  There are times I fail so badly I think I have done irrepairable damage.  But I tell my children that a lot.  I apologize to them a lot.  I love my children a lot.  I pray for wisdom a lot.  My sister doesn't understand me.  At one point she made fun of me while I was in the process of discplining my children.  I was livid, but I didn't stand up for myself because I never have, ever with her.  She has no idea who I really am.  I become a timid mouse whenver she is around.  I have no idea what God is going to ask me to do regarding our relationship.  But something is going to change, I just know it. 

an update

Oh I am pregnant.  I am due May 12th.  At least that is my due date right now.  I love how God helps us forget all of the horrible moments of first trimester blahs.  This pregnancy has been my hardest.  I get migraines and have with each one.  This one I am getting them more and worse.  I was taking some medicine, but Friday I my pulse got up to 150.  I could't think and I had no idea what was going on with me.  The doctor told my not to take the medicine anymore, so I don't know what I am going to do.  I am praying for God's grace.  I have also been getting the jitters a lot.  I am trying to ignore them but it makes for a mommy with a short fuse.  I am praying this ends with my first trimester.  I pray I am farther along than I think so I will be over all of this sooner!! 

Today my baby girl turns two.  She is such a joy.  I love to just watch her and see her grow and develop.  I told Matthew her bday gift is the chance to be a big sister.  I always wanted to have a younger sibling and it never happened.  I didn't want Michelle to miss out!!  (that's not why I am having a 4th) 

Alyssa loves loves school.  She wakes up before me every day and asks if it is a school day.  She gets unhappy with me when I tell her it is the weekend.  She does good.  I think she will be like me, I was never the problem child, and I was never the top student, so I kinda passed through the cracks.  It was fine with me, but you don't get recognized when you are in that position.  I need to remember to praise her every chance I get.

Johnny is doing great too.  He is mister social and loves all of the girls in his class!!

Matthew just had a lot of chances at his office.  They are for the better but he is having to work ALOT right now to make up for some stuff.  I am praying God will show him how to organize everything so that he will have more time at home and be efficient at work too.  He is an amazing husband and father.  I love him so much!!

I am just praying God's will to be done regarding the sale of our house.  I would love to move but I want His will more than mine.  I know He is taking care of me. 

God's vision??

Yesterday was kind of a bad day for me.  Not because of the kids or any circumstances but just because.  I was driving around town,  I feel like that is all I have done lately, and an idea came to me.

I want to open a fabric store.  I love fabric.  I have yards of it tucked into many random places all over my house.  Where I live has no apparell or quilting fabric store.  Here is what I have invisioned for this store.  It will be simple and clean.  I want bright fabrics that are fun and girly!  I want to also offer many boy fabrics as well.  I want to have a couple of cute girl dresses displayed and people can come in and pick out the fabric they want and size they want for the dress.  I will make them for you!  I will also have a room where people that don't have a sewing machine can sew.  I would love the store to be downtown or in a victorian house here.  That has always been what I wanted in a store.

Well as I was driving yesterday,  I thought of having an after school program.  I would offer a after school pick up van and girls that want to learnt o sew can come for two hours after school.  Then the idea just grew from there.  I thought I could offer almost a home-ec type after school program.  Baking, cooking, sewing, bookkeeping and helpful hints for cleaning.  I have always had a heart for pre-teen and teen girls.  I would only take about 15 girls and if I had a fabric store in an old victorian home I could have an awesome place for something like this.  I would love if this could be a reality for me.  But I get scared thinking of all of the loistics for something like this.  And I know neither the store of the after school program will happen in the next year  At least I don't think they will. 

I just want to have it written down somewhere.  I want God's will to be done in my life.  If this is His vision for me I want do it.  If not, I will gladly release this vision. 

an update

I haven't written in a long time.  I have been busy trying to keep up with my three children and just enjoying not doing anything.

We had a great summer, we went to the beach twice for a week each time.  It was great and God really blessed me with great family. It was so nice to have my hubby for two weeks with no work involved.  He is working so much lately.  There are situations at his job that really need to be resolved but he doesn't want to say anything until God's timing because it could mean someone's job and ruin a friendship. I have been praying for favor and guidance for him. 

My A started kindergarten this week.  She has a hard time adjusting to new situations. She hasn't made any friends yet.  The sub in her class said she plays by herself.  But I think part of it is because her teacher has been out all week.  She knows her teacher outside of school and is confused why she hasn't been there.  The teacher's husband had to have 6 bypasses on his heart.  He is doing well now and should be home in the next day or so. 

My J started 3 year old preschool this week two.  He has had no problem adjusting and loves playing with all the kids.  His class has four boys and eight girls in it.  I think he feels right at home with all those girls! 

I didn't realize M would have a hrd time adjusting but her nap time has been thrown off and cut short beause of school pickups.  But we will figure it all out.  She and I are having fun together!!

A and J both had big birthday parties this year. J's was an airplane theme and A wanted princess and pirates.  They had a blast.  I love havin friends and family together to celebrate my children.  M is next and I haven't figured out what Iw ant to do for her yet.  I have a week or two before I need to worry about it. 

Emotionally I am doing great.  I think gos healed me in the areas I was struggling with.  Being able to talk my hubby while at the beach was much needed and he had to help me with all three kids.  I am learning my limitations with the children.  I know I can't take the shopping unless it is less than ten minutes in the store. When we do activites I am learning how to stop if I can feel myself getting frustrated at them. 

God has been good and is bring me to a place of peace in every area of my life.  I am excited by all His has in store for my family. 

july 18th, 2011

Today would have been my neice's birthday.  She would have been 6 years old.  My son is now older than she was when she died.  I miss her.  I miss my neice.  She was silly.  She loved pink.  Alyssa misses her playmate.  This is a pain that never really goes away. I don't express how her death has affected me very much.  I don't dwell on her not being here. I know my God is sovereign and I know He is king.  I will praise Him always and not faulter when life gets hard.  I see now how one day can change everything. I miss Sydney.  I miss the person my sister was before this all happened.  She still needs prayer.  I feel as though the accident happened last week when I am around her, not three years ago.

every day is a struggle

This morning is not good.  My children stayed up until after 10 last night so they could see their daddy that they haven't seen since Sunday.  I stayed up until 12:30 to see my hubby because h has been working  a lot lately.  I thought maybe my child would sleep in, but no she woke me up to her usual, Mom I am hungry and I want to watch a movie.  I have gotten that since she was able to talk and get out of bed herself.  Most mornings I can drag myself out  of bed and fix everything for her.  This morning I could feel my angry rising.  I wanted to yell at her and tell her to do it herself.  At one point she knew how to turn it all on but forgot.  I wanted to tell her she can wait a hour before she ate.  I needed rest.  But I didn't.  I did mumble and tell her stuff.  I don't remember what it was but it wasn't nice. 

I hate waking up like this.  I feel this bubble of anger rising up in me.  It is the kind that causes me to be short with my kiddos.  I know a lot of it has to do with little sleep, but it goes deeper.  I want to know the root of it.  Why am I so easily set off? 

A few things come to mind, but are they the reason?  My first thought is selfishness.  I don't like to be disturbed. I read Joseph Prince last night and he said "The Bible shows us that the most fundamental cause of problems in our lives is condemnation. With condemnation comes fear. Fear then induces stress which brings about the symptoms of the curse." 

Wat condemnation am I struggling with? But is that really what I need to focus on?  I need to focus on Jesus. Joseph Prince also said "My friend, condemnation is the root cause of the symptoms of the curse manifesting in your life. That is why you need to know that at the cross, God took all your sins, put them on Jesus and unleashed the full fury of His wrath against them until Jesus cried out, “It is finished!”All your sins have been completely punished in the body of Christ who was condemned for you. The root cause of all your problems has been dealt with. This means that the devil cannot enforce the curse in your life apart from your receiving condemnation. So come to the place of no condemnation and no sick leaves will sprout in your life!"

That is good stuff, but why isn't it sinking in deep?  I want His love to sink in so deep, that no matter what I am going through I don't hesitate to call out to Him.  But that is what this walk is all about, right?  To learn what God's love really.  Will we not really get it until we are in Heaven with Him.  But I don't want to wait that long.  I want it now.  I want it now!!!! I want it today, not in ten years, not when I die.  I want it now!!!!  Amen!

summer stuff

I have wanted to update on how things have been going but just haven't known what to say. I am not struggling like I was.  I still have days where I feel as if I am being pulled under again, but I am learning to know the signs and how to fight it.  It has helped that I had a two day trip where I was alone, no children to worry over, no schedule I had to make sure made everyone happy. It was just nice.  I am one to just go with the flow.  I rarely voice my opinion on where I want to eat or what stores I want to go into.  It was sooo nice to be able to just do what I wanted and no worry about pleasing those I was with.  Matthew was with me part of the time but he had to work for most of it.  It was the first time I had been without children overnight in five years.  I have either had my children with me or have been about 7-8 months preggo whenever we went away.  I realized I need to be alone.  Since then, I will go out alone, just to walk around a store and window shop.  It helps!! 

It also helped to go tot the beach for a week.  I had a rough start, we went with my in-laws, and I had to get adjusted to being around them.  I felt like I had to control my children a little more than normal which was hard.  After the firstf ew days tho, it got easier and we had a blast.  Despite J getting three black eyes, M stepping on a bee, A having croupe, J not sleeping well, M wheezing, Matthew steeping on a wasp, and probably more mishaps I can't remember right now.  It felt like every day someone had something wrong.  But the kids did great!

We are going again for a week with my family.  I am a little nervous because it will be a lot of people in a small space. And I am not a sit on the beach for 8 hours a day kind of person. My family is. So, we will see how it goes. We prayed about going and felt like we were suppose to. So, God can work everything out better than we can imagine!!

Anyway, We are just trying to survive the summer. A starts kindergarten in August and J starts halfday preschool.  I am looking forward to only having one child for part of the day.  I think it will be really good for him. 

A light

I am finally having more good days than bad.  Mother's day was kind of my turning point.  I had a complete break-down.  Like locking myself in the bathroom and not answering the bangs on the door.  I sat in that bathroom and thought, I am behaving worse than my children.  I send them to bed or give them spankings when they act like I did.  I emerged from the bathroom and didn't really want to talk to anyone.  I didn't want to go to my mom's house to eat, we were so close to staying home.  I didn't talk to anyone at my mom's house. I didn't care what they thought of me, I didn't care if they cared.  I was so close to tears the whole day, i didn't want any interaction with anyone.  But God started changing me.  I realized I felt free from what my family thought of me.  I don't need their approval to be me.  And then my dear hubby and I talked and I got released from even more junk. Like the pressure to sew/bake for others.  He made an excellent point, people start doing something good and then they're expected to do that for everyone.  An example, a woman at a church is good with children.  She starts by volunteering to help in her child's class at Sunday school.  She does great and gets asked to teach the next year.  She is slighty reluctant but agrees anyway.  She loves the children and wants to be able to minister to them.  She thinks, I will do it just this year.  Five years later she is still at it and not only is she doing a class, she is heading up vbs.  Then the director quits.  Everyone agrees she is going to be the perfect replacement.  She feels a false sense of responisibilty to those people and she agrees.  She doesn't really feel at peace about doing it, but it's for the children.  Without her the program will fail and who will minister to those children.  10 years later she is tired, grumpy, and her relationship with God is lacking an intimacy.  She is on a path of distruction.  Now, I am not that lady, but I could see myself going down that path.  Trying to be who everyone else, even myself, wanted me to be.  That lady that only makes homemade gifts, and always bakes the best baked stuff.  The pressure was holding me under and preventing me from moving forward with God.  I didn't understand all of this untilI read Hebrews 3:7 - 4:13.  (My hubby was doing a Bible study on it that week and wanted my opinion, God works in mighty ways) I can't get into everything now, because it would be a super long post, but it was just what I needed. It comfirmed what I had realized before hand.  The short of it is this, if you don't rest, you will be disobedient.  For me disobedience was unbelief and not truly believing God is who He says He is.  I was so worn out physically and spiritually the enemy was able to infiltrate my defense. 

Anyway,  there is a light at the end of this tunnel and I pray that the tunnel will be completely ending soon.  I want to be who God has called me to be, not who I always dreamed I would be.  Pressure is off and I am free to be that woman!!

The past three days have been horrible. I think this is the absolute worst I have ever treated my children.  Yelling and saying stuff that is just awful.  I wouldn't want a camera in my house right now.  LORD,  I am desperate.  What is wrong with me???  I don't want to be this way.  I take one baby step forward just to be knocked back three giant steps.   My King...I lay my junk at your feet,  You and You alone can make me new. 

Freedom....from facebook!!!

So I sat down and was going to disable facebook.  I had everything ready and chickened out.  But I was tired of the people I hardly knew taking up my time....taking away time from those I truly love.  So I deleted over 200 people from my facebook account!!!!! I would have deleted more but they were family and that is the whole reason I didn't delete it completely. 

It was so freeing to be able release that "need" of being needed by those around me.  People who I don't even know.  I see them in pubic and we don't even acknowledge each other.  Why do I want them to know my personal business.  Granted, I don't post too much personal on fb, but why would these people need to know anything about me??

It also frees a lot of my time because I am not being nosey in other people's lives that I don't know.  Why do I need their drama in my already hectic life? 

What brought this around? Many things, a conversation with a friend about feeling fake and lonely because of the superficialness (is that a word, oh well, I like it).  One "friend"  was going through a lot of drama and I hadn't talk to them in over 10 years. I felt bad for them but I didn't need the "vinegar" in my life.  And there were other people that posted negative thoughts, words, and just stuff I shouldn't care about. (oh be careful little eyes wht you see)  I was "surrounding" myself with toxic stuff that was not helping me with becoming free from the struggles I have.  It is one small step in the changes God has been working on me, feels like an overhaul in every area.

(I am watching Extreme Couponing as I write this.  It is rather frustrating but I won't go into here!!!)

On another note.  I called my friend, the one mentioned in a previous post, and I love how we can not even say Hi, How are you....It's more like, Oh, you called at the right time, I am soooo frustrated!  And we are struggling with getting weight off.  Our struggles are the same.  I want to be able to eat foods i like.  I like chocolate, cheese, bread, and cokes....oh and cake and cookies and peanut butter.  I don't want to have to give all of that up.  I want to be able control when and how much of it I eat.  Anyway, we agreed to pray for each other.  So, anytime I have a bad moment, I pray that God gives her strength and that her weight will melt away.  (ohhhh...glow in the dark chalk....nice)  Anytime I have a victory, I pray she will feel no guilt in her weak moments.  I hope that she will find success. 

wow, so this is long and I doubt you made it all the way through...to those that did...thank you!!!

my thought

I am probably going to regret saying this but it my opinion.  I an thankful for all of our troops and what our country.  I am thankful to be born an American.  God has blessed me beyond measure for all He has done. 

I read facebook and see what everyone has been posting about the death of Osama Bin Laden.  I thankful we are safe but a part of me grieves for the man.  I know, I know he is a murderer and a horrible person.  But I don't rejoice in anyone going to hell, no matter what sick and twisted things he has done.  I thought I was crazy for thinking this way, until I saw this verse: "Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice. Proverbs 24:17"  

A long and hard battle will be won!!

What is God doing in me??  I know growth is essential in my relationship with God.  But lately it has been  rather hard.  I feel like I live on a rollercoaster, highs and lows, in every aspect of my life.  I see deep rooted things coming to surface and it is no fun.  I want the visible and strong relationship back, the one I had when I was in high school.  But i look and reflect on it and that relationship was so pure.  He was my everything, but I also had very little responsibilities.  No children, no husbands, no house to keep up.  It was a very selfish time in my life and therefore a time I could give to others.  But it was to others I loved and cherished.  They weren't a responsibility.  Now, my life requires me to be completely selfless and I am rebelling.  I allow my kids to watch too much tv so that I can have me time.  I over indulge in what I eat.  I drive myself crazy.  I am soooo ready for a freedom, a peace, and a joy that has been lacking for sooo long.  I have moments of those, but they fade and all that is left is the "ugly".  I want, desire, long to be beyond seeing the "ugly" and seeing who I am in Christ.  I WANT FREEDOM!!!!

God has placed in my life a friend for this season.  She is incredible and her faith is built on a rock.  I am learning how important that is.  She is shaken but doesn't crumble.  I have seen others crack and fall when put through what she has gone through.  I am blessed to know her and I cherish our friendship. 

I want a inpouring of the Holy Spirit.  I want a time to be completely engulfed in God's love and presence and not be bombarded by all of my other responsibilities.  I want healing physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

I read books, blogs and they a full of fluff and not the deep meat that I need to completely satisfy my hunger for God.

I don't blog more because I don't want to be thought of as a person who I am really not.  I love my family, I love my husband, and I know I beyond blessed.  I want to be honest with my hearts biggest desire.  If I am not honest I won't get healing.  I will be lying about who I am.  I don't want to plastic and fake.  I want to be who I am called to be from the deepest part of me, on every level of how people know me. 

I don't desire to all those things I loved to do before, sewing and baking, because I think my only desire is to be free from all the "ugly" in me.  But that selfishness and that desire are battleing and this has been a long battle.  I am worn out and tired but I know in the end my God will reign in my life!!  He is making me better and molding me to be His bride.  I am willing.  I may stumble but I will be an overcomer!!  I will be free!!  My God, My King is mighty and He is in control!!!!

nothing but the truth

If I wrote exactly how I felt right now...it would be this...failure.  My day/week/months has been me failing.....over and over and over in many many areas....but is it that I have to get to a breaking point before I allow God to work in me.  Why am I not listening?  What is it in me that doesn't listen?  O I can hear for other people.  I have one friend in a horrible place in life and she says God is using me to help her.  I am so frustrated and tired of this failure business.  I want a revelation of God's love.  I keep walking around this mountain and I want to turn north.("You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north." Deuteronomy 2:3) Right now I feel like I look north, wave at it, think "my north looks so pretty and peaceful" and then I just keep walking around the mountain....over and over and over.  I am tired...why can't my heart grasp "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." 2 Corinthians 4:16  I want to be renewed. Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."  I don't feel any of these....outwardly I can show them but deep down it's just blank...not filled.  What is keeping me from the Spirit?  I desperately need something to change.  I want that peace and comfort.  I know my God, I love my God, and I know he loves me....but what am I missing?? 

is this beneficial and constructive?

I am at a place.  That place where I am overwhelmed by my children, my eating, my house, and many other areas of my life.  I want to be reborn and become a new person.  I want to wake up in the morning and be the mom, wife, and housekeeper I have always dreamed.  I know this is the topic of many blog posts, but this is me.  I want me to be who God desires me to be.  I read books and they help for a minute, but they haven't stuck.  I try to do it on my own.  I can survive on my own, but that is what it is, I survive my life.  I am so tired of surviving.  I can watch what I eat for weeks, but I ultimately fail.  I can have days where I am the mother I desire to be, but I ultimately fail.  I fail, but if I allowed my Lord, my Maker to move in me, He won't fail.  He will be glorified.  Oh how I wish and pray that He will bring me to that place.  How do I get myself out of the way?  How do I just give Him complete and total control?

Recently He has brought this verse to me, 1 Corinthians 10:23-24 " “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is constructive. ²⁴ Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others" (NIV).  I can stay up late and watch tv until 12, but it doesn't benefit me in anyway to do it.  I tend to be grouchy and lazy when I don't get the rest I need.  I can eat that cupcake or the chocolate, but it doesn't benefit me in anyway.  It makes me frustrated that I can't control myself and that I am not the weight I want to be.(These are just two examples)  These aren't sins...but they don't help me in any thing I do.  God is showing me that if I focus on the good of others(being healthy so my children will have a mom for a very long time or keeping my house clean because I know it pleases my husband and keeps him mind clear) the selfish me that does whatever I want and doesn't think if it is beneficial or constructive will slowly disappear and I will become to woman God is calling me to be.I need the Lord to help me make the wise decisions.  It is my hearts cry, but I am getting in the way of what my heart wants.