A light

I am finally having more good days than bad.  Mother's day was kind of my turning point.  I had a complete break-down.  Like locking myself in the bathroom and not answering the bangs on the door.  I sat in that bathroom and thought, I am behaving worse than my children.  I send them to bed or give them spankings when they act like I did.  I emerged from the bathroom and didn't really want to talk to anyone.  I didn't want to go to my mom's house to eat, we were so close to staying home.  I didn't talk to anyone at my mom's house. I didn't care what they thought of me, I didn't care if they cared.  I was so close to tears the whole day, i didn't want any interaction with anyone.  But God started changing me.  I realized I felt free from what my family thought of me.  I don't need their approval to be me.  And then my dear hubby and I talked and I got released from even more junk. Like the pressure to sew/bake for others.  He made an excellent point, people start doing something good and then they're expected to do that for everyone.  An example, a woman at a church is good with children.  She starts by volunteering to help in her child's class at Sunday school.  She does great and gets asked to teach the next year.  She is slighty reluctant but agrees anyway.  She loves the children and wants to be able to minister to them.  She thinks, I will do it just this year.  Five years later she is still at it and not only is she doing a class, she is heading up vbs.  Then the director quits.  Everyone agrees she is going to be the perfect replacement.  She feels a false sense of responisibilty to those people and she agrees.  She doesn't really feel at peace about doing it, but it's for the children.  Without her the program will fail and who will minister to those children.  10 years later she is tired, grumpy, and her relationship with God is lacking an intimacy.  She is on a path of distruction.  Now, I am not that lady, but I could see myself going down that path.  Trying to be who everyone else, even myself, wanted me to be.  That lady that only makes homemade gifts, and always bakes the best baked stuff.  The pressure was holding me under and preventing me from moving forward with God.  I didn't understand all of this untilI read Hebrews 3:7 - 4:13.  (My hubby was doing a Bible study on it that week and wanted my opinion, God works in mighty ways) I can't get into everything now, because it would be a super long post, but it was just what I needed. It comfirmed what I had realized before hand.  The short of it is this, if you don't rest, you will be disobedient.  For me disobedience was unbelief and not truly believing God is who He says He is.  I was so worn out physically and spiritually the enemy was able to infiltrate my defense. 

Anyway,  there is a light at the end of this tunnel and I pray that the tunnel will be completely ending soon.  I want to be who God has called me to be, not who I always dreamed I would be.  Pressure is off and I am free to be that woman!!