struggling again

It is amazing how one week I am doing great and feel like I know God is moving, to the next week I feel bombarded by loneliness and struggles.

Have I made myself into such an island that no one feels the need to check on me and to genuinely ask how I am doing? Have I put up a front that being a mom of 4 is easy? My own husband doesn't ask me.  I definitely don't do this on my own strength.  I rely totally on God.

I guess this is something I have always struggled with from time to time. I remember high school feeling like I was always the one that had to keep the friendship going.  That I was never special enough for people to want to really be my friend. That I was just tolerable and someone to round out the numbers.  In college, I roomed with 3 of my closest friends from high school and they had to interview me to make sure I would work out as a room mate.

Is it me? Am I the horrible friend? Right now, I am so busy coming and going, I have so much going through my mind.  I think about the people in my life but at that moment it is impossible to reach out to them.

I guess I am just full of selfishness and need not think about what I want or need.  I just need to focus on what God wants me to do and rely on Him to provide for me.  SO much easier said than done but I don't want to have this crappy feeling inside anymore. It wears me out and tears me down and causes me to be less of who God calls me to be.

failing

That feeling of failing...over and over and over.  Like you just can't seem to get it right. It being life, relationship with God, relationships around me, my weight...I just feel like I am failing something awful.

I weigh more than I ever have. I am frustrated with myself over stuff in the bedroom.  I can't seem to keep the house clean or the laundry done.  I feel like I am in this waiting pattern that won't end.  I need something to change.  I have no clue what.  I have been praying and praying and praying. I don't doubt God has heard me and cares about the things that weigh me down.  But why can't I change? I want it and desire it so badly.  But daily I fail.

Lord, I need you desperately.  I want to take my eyes off of me and onto you and only you.

My hearts true cry

I want my life to reflect Jesus.  I am so tired of looking like this world.  I want to look like Jesus.  I want  my children to know who Jesus is in my life.  Oh, Lord....we are so distracted by everything.  I want You! I need You!  My schedule is so busy coming and going and doing nothing of importance!  JESUS!!!  I am so tired of the ups and downs.....I want to be consistent because You are the center of my all!!

Lord, bring the Your people to their knees in repentance for their lukewarm lives....For becoming apart of the world.  No one can look at me and know I love You with my all!  I am so sorry, I repent! Jesus I need you! Not just in the my life isn't what I want way...I want it in a I will do anything for you because You love me and You are my everything.  I want to be used by you oh Lord!!!  I want to be a vessel  for You!!

I have tried too long to do life without You as my all. I am floundering...I am suffocating...I am stuck among the weeds....those around me are suffering because I am doing it without You!!! This is my hearts cry...to look like You. To have people look at me and see YOU! To see your love, to see your forgiveness, to see your grace!

blameless

Man God has been dealing with me....refining me....I love it!! His word for me lately has been to be blameless.  Daily I have been asking God to help me be blameless. I want Him to show me where I have roots of bitterness, jealousy, laziness, judgement. I want them to be gone. I want to live a blameless life.  No, I am not perfect. He doesn't call me to be perfect, He calls me to be blameless.  An example: A friend and I disagree about something and things were said that hurt.  I start thinking in my head about how that friend said this or that. Then a seed of bitterness is planted. We start hanging out and everything this friend says or does starts to annoy me, then I judge their motives and question if what they are doing is godly.  I struggle with why I am having issues with this friend.  I thought I forgave them for their wrong.  But wait, what is it God is calling me to do? To be blameless, as soon as the seed falls, I call on God to remove it.  I tell the friend that I am sorry for the things I may have said and I truly forgive and allow God to help me forget.  Now, the things they said that I want to forget may still be whispered to me in the dark of night, but instead of dwelling on it or letting the seed take root, allow God to remove it.  I say " God help me to be blameless, I give you the honor and glory for all that you are doing in me. Forgive me for allowing an offense to cause me to sin. Bless my friend and may your glory and joy shine on them." And you praise Him for who He is!

"¹¹ May God our Father and our Lord Jesus bring us to you very soon. ¹² And may the Lord make your love for one another and for all people grow and overflow, just as our love for you overflows. ¹³ May he, as a result, make your hearts strong, blameless, and holy as you stand before God our Father when our Lord Jesus comes again with all his holy people. Amen." 1 Thessalonians 3:11-13

the enemy at work

How the enemy works in our lives.....I am not completely secure in who I am.  I have always felt like I am in other peoples shadows and that I am never good enough to step out of them.  I do not have a dominate personality a majority of my family and friends have big personalities.  I don't want to compete for attention.  I would rather stand in the background than have to fight to be seen or heard.

Recently a friend and I had a disagreement about something.  To most it wouldn't be a big deal but for me the enemy used it against me.  I came away hurt and feeling even more insecure than before.  For weeks I have just avoided her and not wanted to open up to her at all.  I stick to a group setting so I can avoid talking to her.  I don't trust her with my heart...not in a weirdo way but in a sister way.  I don't trust her with the little bit of security I offered her.  I did write her a brief note telling her most of what I was feeling.  I am still processing what could have gone wrong.

Today, as I was praying I realized how much the enemy wants to steal from me.  To prevent a godly friendship from growing and bringing God glory.  The enemy used my insecurities against me.  He kept throwing her words in my face and whispering them in my ear at night. How dare he?  I am a child of the One True King and the enemy better stop messing with me.  I won't stand for it any longer!

I need my security to be in God and have my shield and sword to do battle. I am tired of the enemy stealing our marriages and friendships!

Happy Mother's Day!

Today is mother's day! I want to share what God revealed to me last night while talking to my husband.  Here is a gift to all my mother friends!

I was telling my husband how I am not a good teacher.  I don't know how to make moments that happen in life become teachable moments for my children.  My hubby said something along the lines that he has known many parents that were great teachers but their actions were different than what they taught their kids.  And those kids have turned into adults that struggle with the doing the same acts their parents tried teaching them not to do.

That is when God whispered to my heart.  I gave you those children; follow Me, love Me, trust Me, obey Me and I will teach your children through you. You are the perfect mom for them, I chose you to be their mommy.  Your walk with Me is exactly what they need for Me to touch their hearts and bring them into My loving arms.

Amazing!

Happy Mother's Day!

A small reminder leads to changes

Alyssa and I had a big fight last week.  It was over something small but it had been brewing for awhile.  She and I have always butted heads but lately her attitude and demeanor towards has been very disrespectful.  This particular morning I was taking her to school and she was crying and I was crying. I dropped her off and just prayed all the way home.  As I pulled up to our driveway the wooded lot in front of our house was covered in a dense fog. Behind the fog the sun was rising.  God whispered deep in my soul...my mercies are new every morning.  Through the fog and hard times, I am there.  It may feel as if I am far away but I will cause the fog to dissipate and things will get better, trust in me.  I ran into the house and took a picture as a reminder.

I have been praying over my girl.  Things are getting better. I pray our relationship will be renewed and rebuilt before it is too late and she seeks confirmation elsewhere.  I love her dearly.  I am so thankful for my God that reminds He is always here.  That I just need to trust in Him as we walk through this life.

fruit

SO much is going on in my head today...

I love when God gives you just a simple truth and it can change your life! I was praying for my son because he gets really upset whenever he doesn't get his way.  I want him to be happy and joyful.  I was asking God what he needs to feel joyful.  And BAM! "²² But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,²³ gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!" Galations 5:22-23 As I was praying that my son would have the Holy Spirit be prevalent in his life. I felt like God was saying to me "which of these fruits do you see in your life?" Oh wowza! love...yes I love my children and my husband and my close friends and some family...but love? hmm....joy..nope, i just feel like i am in a constant state of tense...peace...most of the time but what if something major happened? patience, kindness, goodness, and gentleness?? just ask my children about those! They would probably tell you I am mean mommy!  Faithfulness? i am faithful when it counts but in the small things..kinda...self-control....ummmmm ask those 10 fun size butterfingers i just ate... So, needless to say I think I am missing something in my life. What little fruit I do have is small and kinda withered looking.  I want my fruit to be the talk of the town...the one that the people come far and wide to see.  But how do I do that?  How?  What am I feeding myself?  Is my fruit affected my weeds? Are the weeds blocking the supply to my fruit? Taking away the nutrients the fruit needs?? Lord, HELP ME!  I can't do this on my own.  I need you!  I need you and only you!  I want to crave you and only you!!! I don't want to be mediocre anymore! I want fruit that is healthy!

Anyway the rest can wait.  that is the biggest thing God is working on me!