every day is a struggle

This morning is not good.  My children stayed up until after 10 last night so they could see their daddy that they haven't seen since Sunday.  I stayed up until 12:30 to see my hubby because h has been working  a lot lately.  I thought maybe my child would sleep in, but no she woke me up to her usual, Mom I am hungry and I want to watch a movie.  I have gotten that since she was able to talk and get out of bed herself.  Most mornings I can drag myself out  of bed and fix everything for her.  This morning I could feel my angry rising.  I wanted to yell at her and tell her to do it herself.  At one point she knew how to turn it all on but forgot.  I wanted to tell her she can wait a hour before she ate.  I needed rest.  But I didn't.  I did mumble and tell her stuff.  I don't remember what it was but it wasn't nice. 

I hate waking up like this.  I feel this bubble of anger rising up in me.  It is the kind that causes me to be short with my kiddos.  I know a lot of it has to do with little sleep, but it goes deeper.  I want to know the root of it.  Why am I so easily set off? 

A few things come to mind, but are they the reason?  My first thought is selfishness.  I don't like to be disturbed. I read Joseph Prince last night and he said "The Bible shows us that the most fundamental cause of problems in our lives is condemnation. With condemnation comes fear. Fear then induces stress which brings about the symptoms of the curse." 

Wat condemnation am I struggling with? But is that really what I need to focus on?  I need to focus on Jesus. Joseph Prince also said "My friend, condemnation is the root cause of the symptoms of the curse manifesting in your life. That is why you need to know that at the cross, God took all your sins, put them on Jesus and unleashed the full fury of His wrath against them until Jesus cried out, “It is finished!”All your sins have been completely punished in the body of Christ who was condemned for you. The root cause of all your problems has been dealt with. This means that the devil cannot enforce the curse in your life apart from your receiving condemnation. So come to the place of no condemnation and no sick leaves will sprout in your life!"

That is good stuff, but why isn't it sinking in deep?  I want His love to sink in so deep, that no matter what I am going through I don't hesitate to call out to Him.  But that is what this walk is all about, right?  To learn what God's love really.  Will we not really get it until we are in Heaven with Him.  But I don't want to wait that long.  I want it now.  I want it now!!!! I want it today, not in ten years, not when I die.  I want it now!!!!  Amen!

summer stuff

I have wanted to update on how things have been going but just haven't known what to say. I am not struggling like I was.  I still have days where I feel as if I am being pulled under again, but I am learning to know the signs and how to fight it.  It has helped that I had a two day trip where I was alone, no children to worry over, no schedule I had to make sure made everyone happy. It was just nice.  I am one to just go with the flow.  I rarely voice my opinion on where I want to eat or what stores I want to go into.  It was sooo nice to be able to just do what I wanted and no worry about pleasing those I was with.  Matthew was with me part of the time but he had to work for most of it.  It was the first time I had been without children overnight in five years.  I have either had my children with me or have been about 7-8 months preggo whenever we went away.  I realized I need to be alone.  Since then, I will go out alone, just to walk around a store and window shop.  It helps!! 

It also helped to go tot the beach for a week.  I had a rough start, we went with my in-laws, and I had to get adjusted to being around them.  I felt like I had to control my children a little more than normal which was hard.  After the firstf ew days tho, it got easier and we had a blast.  Despite J getting three black eyes, M stepping on a bee, A having croupe, J not sleeping well, M wheezing, Matthew steeping on a wasp, and probably more mishaps I can't remember right now.  It felt like every day someone had something wrong.  But the kids did great!

We are going again for a week with my family.  I am a little nervous because it will be a lot of people in a small space. And I am not a sit on the beach for 8 hours a day kind of person. My family is. So, we will see how it goes. We prayed about going and felt like we were suppose to. So, God can work everything out better than we can imagine!!

Anyway, We are just trying to survive the summer. A starts kindergarten in August and J starts halfday preschool.  I am looking forward to only having one child for part of the day.  I think it will be really good for him.