every day is a struggle

This morning is not good.  My children stayed up until after 10 last night so they could see their daddy that they haven't seen since Sunday.  I stayed up until 12:30 to see my hubby because h has been working  a lot lately.  I thought maybe my child would sleep in, but no she woke me up to her usual, Mom I am hungry and I want to watch a movie.  I have gotten that since she was able to talk and get out of bed herself.  Most mornings I can drag myself out  of bed and fix everything for her.  This morning I could feel my angry rising.  I wanted to yell at her and tell her to do it herself.  At one point she knew how to turn it all on but forgot.  I wanted to tell her she can wait a hour before she ate.  I needed rest.  But I didn't.  I did mumble and tell her stuff.  I don't remember what it was but it wasn't nice. 

I hate waking up like this.  I feel this bubble of anger rising up in me.  It is the kind that causes me to be short with my kiddos.  I know a lot of it has to do with little sleep, but it goes deeper.  I want to know the root of it.  Why am I so easily set off? 

A few things come to mind, but are they the reason?  My first thought is selfishness.  I don't like to be disturbed. I read Joseph Prince last night and he said "The Bible shows us that the most fundamental cause of problems in our lives is condemnation. With condemnation comes fear. Fear then induces stress which brings about the symptoms of the curse." 

Wat condemnation am I struggling with? But is that really what I need to focus on?  I need to focus on Jesus. Joseph Prince also said "My friend, condemnation is the root cause of the symptoms of the curse manifesting in your life. That is why you need to know that at the cross, God took all your sins, put them on Jesus and unleashed the full fury of His wrath against them until Jesus cried out, “It is finished!”All your sins have been completely punished in the body of Christ who was condemned for you. The root cause of all your problems has been dealt with. This means that the devil cannot enforce the curse in your life apart from your receiving condemnation. So come to the place of no condemnation and no sick leaves will sprout in your life!"

That is good stuff, but why isn't it sinking in deep?  I want His love to sink in so deep, that no matter what I am going through I don't hesitate to call out to Him.  But that is what this walk is all about, right?  To learn what God's love really.  Will we not really get it until we are in Heaven with Him.  But I don't want to wait that long.  I want it now.  I want it now!!!! I want it today, not in ten years, not when I die.  I want it now!!!!  Amen!

summer stuff

I have wanted to update on how things have been going but just haven't known what to say. I am not struggling like I was.  I still have days where I feel as if I am being pulled under again, but I am learning to know the signs and how to fight it.  It has helped that I had a two day trip where I was alone, no children to worry over, no schedule I had to make sure made everyone happy. It was just nice.  I am one to just go with the flow.  I rarely voice my opinion on where I want to eat or what stores I want to go into.  It was sooo nice to be able to just do what I wanted and no worry about pleasing those I was with.  Matthew was with me part of the time but he had to work for most of it.  It was the first time I had been without children overnight in five years.  I have either had my children with me or have been about 7-8 months preggo whenever we went away.  I realized I need to be alone.  Since then, I will go out alone, just to walk around a store and window shop.  It helps!! 

It also helped to go tot the beach for a week.  I had a rough start, we went with my in-laws, and I had to get adjusted to being around them.  I felt like I had to control my children a little more than normal which was hard.  After the firstf ew days tho, it got easier and we had a blast.  Despite J getting three black eyes, M stepping on a bee, A having croupe, J not sleeping well, M wheezing, Matthew steeping on a wasp, and probably more mishaps I can't remember right now.  It felt like every day someone had something wrong.  But the kids did great!

We are going again for a week with my family.  I am a little nervous because it will be a lot of people in a small space. And I am not a sit on the beach for 8 hours a day kind of person. My family is. So, we will see how it goes. We prayed about going and felt like we were suppose to. So, God can work everything out better than we can imagine!!

Anyway, We are just trying to survive the summer. A starts kindergarten in August and J starts halfday preschool.  I am looking forward to only having one child for part of the day.  I think it will be really good for him. 

A light

I am finally having more good days than bad.  Mother's day was kind of my turning point.  I had a complete break-down.  Like locking myself in the bathroom and not answering the bangs on the door.  I sat in that bathroom and thought, I am behaving worse than my children.  I send them to bed or give them spankings when they act like I did.  I emerged from the bathroom and didn't really want to talk to anyone.  I didn't want to go to my mom's house to eat, we were so close to staying home.  I didn't talk to anyone at my mom's house. I didn't care what they thought of me, I didn't care if they cared.  I was so close to tears the whole day, i didn't want any interaction with anyone.  But God started changing me.  I realized I felt free from what my family thought of me.  I don't need their approval to be me.  And then my dear hubby and I talked and I got released from even more junk. Like the pressure to sew/bake for others.  He made an excellent point, people start doing something good and then they're expected to do that for everyone.  An example, a woman at a church is good with children.  She starts by volunteering to help in her child's class at Sunday school.  She does great and gets asked to teach the next year.  She is slighty reluctant but agrees anyway.  She loves the children and wants to be able to minister to them.  She thinks, I will do it just this year.  Five years later she is still at it and not only is she doing a class, she is heading up vbs.  Then the director quits.  Everyone agrees she is going to be the perfect replacement.  She feels a false sense of responisibilty to those people and she agrees.  She doesn't really feel at peace about doing it, but it's for the children.  Without her the program will fail and who will minister to those children.  10 years later she is tired, grumpy, and her relationship with God is lacking an intimacy.  She is on a path of distruction.  Now, I am not that lady, but I could see myself going down that path.  Trying to be who everyone else, even myself, wanted me to be.  That lady that only makes homemade gifts, and always bakes the best baked stuff.  The pressure was holding me under and preventing me from moving forward with God.  I didn't understand all of this untilI read Hebrews 3:7 - 4:13.  (My hubby was doing a Bible study on it that week and wanted my opinion, God works in mighty ways) I can't get into everything now, because it would be a super long post, but it was just what I needed. It comfirmed what I had realized before hand.  The short of it is this, if you don't rest, you will be disobedient.  For me disobedience was unbelief and not truly believing God is who He says He is.  I was so worn out physically and spiritually the enemy was able to infiltrate my defense. 

Anyway,  there is a light at the end of this tunnel and I pray that the tunnel will be completely ending soon.  I want to be who God has called me to be, not who I always dreamed I would be.  Pressure is off and I am free to be that woman!!

The past three days have been horrible. I think this is the absolute worst I have ever treated my children.  Yelling and saying stuff that is just awful.  I wouldn't want a camera in my house right now.  LORD,  I am desperate.  What is wrong with me???  I don't want to be this way.  I take one baby step forward just to be knocked back three giant steps.   My King...I lay my junk at your feet,  You and You alone can make me new. 

Freedom....from facebook!!!

So I sat down and was going to disable facebook.  I had everything ready and chickened out.  But I was tired of the people I hardly knew taking up my time....taking away time from those I truly love.  So I deleted over 200 people from my facebook account!!!!! I would have deleted more but they were family and that is the whole reason I didn't delete it completely. 

It was so freeing to be able release that "need" of being needed by those around me.  People who I don't even know.  I see them in pubic and we don't even acknowledge each other.  Why do I want them to know my personal business.  Granted, I don't post too much personal on fb, but why would these people need to know anything about me??

It also frees a lot of my time because I am not being nosey in other people's lives that I don't know.  Why do I need their drama in my already hectic life? 

What brought this around? Many things, a conversation with a friend about feeling fake and lonely because of the superficialness (is that a word, oh well, I like it).  One "friend"  was going through a lot of drama and I hadn't talk to them in over 10 years. I felt bad for them but I didn't need the "vinegar" in my life.  And there were other people that posted negative thoughts, words, and just stuff I shouldn't care about. (oh be careful little eyes wht you see)  I was "surrounding" myself with toxic stuff that was not helping me with becoming free from the struggles I have.  It is one small step in the changes God has been working on me, feels like an overhaul in every area.

(I am watching Extreme Couponing as I write this.  It is rather frustrating but I won't go into here!!!)

On another note.  I called my friend, the one mentioned in a previous post, and I love how we can not even say Hi, How are you....It's more like, Oh, you called at the right time, I am soooo frustrated!  And we are struggling with getting weight off.  Our struggles are the same.  I want to be able to eat foods i like.  I like chocolate, cheese, bread, and cokes....oh and cake and cookies and peanut butter.  I don't want to have to give all of that up.  I want to be able control when and how much of it I eat.  Anyway, we agreed to pray for each other.  So, anytime I have a bad moment, I pray that God gives her strength and that her weight will melt away.  (ohhhh...glow in the dark chalk....nice)  Anytime I have a victory, I pray she will feel no guilt in her weak moments.  I hope that she will find success. 

wow, so this is long and I doubt you made it all the way through...to those that did...thank you!!!

my thought

I am probably going to regret saying this but it my opinion.  I an thankful for all of our troops and what our country.  I am thankful to be born an American.  God has blessed me beyond measure for all He has done. 

I read facebook and see what everyone has been posting about the death of Osama Bin Laden.  I thankful we are safe but a part of me grieves for the man.  I know, I know he is a murderer and a horrible person.  But I don't rejoice in anyone going to hell, no matter what sick and twisted things he has done.  I thought I was crazy for thinking this way, until I saw this verse: "Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice. Proverbs 24:17"  

A long and hard battle will be won!!

What is God doing in me??  I know growth is essential in my relationship with God.  But lately it has been  rather hard.  I feel like I live on a rollercoaster, highs and lows, in every aspect of my life.  I see deep rooted things coming to surface and it is no fun.  I want the visible and strong relationship back, the one I had when I was in high school.  But i look and reflect on it and that relationship was so pure.  He was my everything, but I also had very little responsibilities.  No children, no husbands, no house to keep up.  It was a very selfish time in my life and therefore a time I could give to others.  But it was to others I loved and cherished.  They weren't a responsibility.  Now, my life requires me to be completely selfless and I am rebelling.  I allow my kids to watch too much tv so that I can have me time.  I over indulge in what I eat.  I drive myself crazy.  I am soooo ready for a freedom, a peace, and a joy that has been lacking for sooo long.  I have moments of those, but they fade and all that is left is the "ugly".  I want, desire, long to be beyond seeing the "ugly" and seeing who I am in Christ.  I WANT FREEDOM!!!!

God has placed in my life a friend for this season.  She is incredible and her faith is built on a rock.  I am learning how important that is.  She is shaken but doesn't crumble.  I have seen others crack and fall when put through what she has gone through.  I am blessed to know her and I cherish our friendship. 

I want a inpouring of the Holy Spirit.  I want a time to be completely engulfed in God's love and presence and not be bombarded by all of my other responsibilities.  I want healing physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

I read books, blogs and they a full of fluff and not the deep meat that I need to completely satisfy my hunger for God.

I don't blog more because I don't want to be thought of as a person who I am really not.  I love my family, I love my husband, and I know I beyond blessed.  I want to be honest with my hearts biggest desire.  If I am not honest I won't get healing.  I will be lying about who I am.  I don't want to plastic and fake.  I want to be who I am called to be from the deepest part of me, on every level of how people know me. 

I don't desire to all those things I loved to do before, sewing and baking, because I think my only desire is to be free from all the "ugly" in me.  But that selfishness and that desire are battleing and this has been a long battle.  I am worn out and tired but I know in the end my God will reign in my life!!  He is making me better and molding me to be His bride.  I am willing.  I may stumble but I will be an overcomer!!  I will be free!!  My God, My King is mighty and He is in control!!!!