I hate it when I get in a funk. When I get moody and just plain blah. I was talking to Matthew tonight about how it's been four years since I've gotten a full nights sleep. I have someone wake me up in the middle of the night at some point every night. I think that may be why I'm a different person than I want to be. I am not the mom I alway envisioned myself being. I'm selfish, mean, and nagging. But only to with my kids. Matthew and I have a pretty great relationship, in my eyes anyway. But there is a resentment in my relationship with Alyssa, my oldest. I don't like it, I'm not even sure why or what's causing this problem. No one ever says, "I don't get a long with my child. I don't like being with my child. Does that other mom really like her, because I sure am struggling with it right now." I feel horrible for feeling this way. But truth be told, deep deep down, it's where I struggle the most. I have been praying that God would help me see her the way He sees her. I am writing this, because I want to know if I'm alone in this.
Just as I'm writing this, God's bringing back to me a that the transition time came when Johnny was born. Up to that point, Alyssa was great and I don't remember having tons of problems with her. But after he was born, something changed. She stopped sleeping through the night. I was having to get up with Johnny and as soon as he would be asleep, she would wake up, and my nights would go back and forth and it was like that for weeks. During those weeks, I was a monster. I did things and thought things that were awful, just beyond awful. I think there was a shift in our relationship from that point on with me and Alyssa.
Oh Daddy, I need you to repair and rebuild my relationship with Alyssa. Heal both of us from the pain that has been caused by my lack of compassion with her. Daddy, I am so sorry for how I've treated my daughter. Heal me from my resentment and frustratioin. Renew me and cleanse me oh God. I desire to see my daughter for the beauty person she is, inside and out. Create in my a clean heart, oh God, and renew a steadfast spirirt within me. Thank you for allowing me to be Alyssa's mom, I want to bring you Glory through her. I love you Daddy!! In your holy name, Amen.
So, wow....this is not what I was expecting when I started this post out. But it is my heart's desire and Lord willing there will be healing!!
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I know I don't have children, yet..but, I was thinking about you both and do you think it's possible she feels neglected, (for lack of better word) by you and maybe she is showing it in her behavior. You are her mommy and now she has to share you with two other little people. Maybe Alyssa and mommy need a special day/ night together. Just an idea! I'm praying you two to develope a bond that will last forever!
ReplyDeleteI know I personally have struggled with this. Also with my oldest..and again I feel like the shift happened when Noah was born. I think part of it was because its hard to look at a sweet perfect little baby and then have this toddler who's acting out and not be upset by it all, and partly because I don't feel I've won the heart of my child and it results in her not even trying to be obedient because I think she out right doesn't care....Some days I literally have to make myself hug and love on her, because after all the disciplining I've had to do with her all day has made me feel bitter..I do know that God is a God of restoration and He's really good at it. We've taken steps to improve our relationship. I make it a point to tell her how much I love her everyday. I make a point to hug and kiss her even when I don't feel like it and I make a point to give her some just Mommy and Me time no matter how crazy and busy my day is...because it allows me to see the child who isn't acting out to get my attention....Know your not alone...:)
ReplyDeleteI don't understand what it's like because I technically only have one right now. Honestly, I feel so in love with her and have been trying to have so much fun just enjoying it being the two of us. I'm scared of the transition. I broke down crying the other night to Nathan because I don't know how to explain to Addison once Weston arrives why HER mommy is giving ALL her attention to this new baby. I want for this transition to go well, but most of the time all I hear is how it was so hard. I don't want to loose the little bond I have with my daughter because my mom lost her bond with me and I don't think we ever got it back. I have already planned a few things that Addison and I can do just the two of us after Weston is born but that wont be at first. I'm sorry that you're going through this Alaina. Thank you again for your honesty. I agree that she needs some special time alone. Maybe if the other kids take a nap. Or after Matthew is home and can watch the younger ones. You don't have to leave the house, just go into a room alone and play with her, love on her, and let her know you think she is a great girl and you are so thankful you get to be her mom! Sometimes we have to speak words to make them true. Hope this helps in some way!
ReplyDeleteHey girl. You are definitely not alone here. I have issues with both of my kids sometimes. And it doesn't help when you are losing sleep either. I find that those are the times I'm the grumpiest and really just don't want anything to do with them. And when they misbehave on top of that, well it's really hard to just love on them! Sometimes I just have to remind myself to do that. As soon as they do something remotely cute, just give them a kiss and a hug and say "I love you." But God can definitely heal your relationship with Alyssa, and I'll be praying specifically for that!
ReplyDeleteThank you Jennifer and Patti. The advice and prayers are appreciated.
ReplyDeleteSteph and Kayla, It helps so much to know I'm not alone. I'll be praying for both of you in this area too. No one can prepare you for the hard part of being a mom.