A long and hard battle will be won!!

What is God doing in me??  I know growth is essential in my relationship with God.  But lately it has been  rather hard.  I feel like I live on a rollercoaster, highs and lows, in every aspect of my life.  I see deep rooted things coming to surface and it is no fun.  I want the visible and strong relationship back, the one I had when I was in high school.  But i look and reflect on it and that relationship was so pure.  He was my everything, but I also had very little responsibilities.  No children, no husbands, no house to keep up.  It was a very selfish time in my life and therefore a time I could give to others.  But it was to others I loved and cherished.  They weren't a responsibility.  Now, my life requires me to be completely selfless and I am rebelling.  I allow my kids to watch too much tv so that I can have me time.  I over indulge in what I eat.  I drive myself crazy.  I am soooo ready for a freedom, a peace, and a joy that has been lacking for sooo long.  I have moments of those, but they fade and all that is left is the "ugly".  I want, desire, long to be beyond seeing the "ugly" and seeing who I am in Christ.  I WANT FREEDOM!!!!

God has placed in my life a friend for this season.  She is incredible and her faith is built on a rock.  I am learning how important that is.  She is shaken but doesn't crumble.  I have seen others crack and fall when put through what she has gone through.  I am blessed to know her and I cherish our friendship. 

I want a inpouring of the Holy Spirit.  I want a time to be completely engulfed in God's love and presence and not be bombarded by all of my other responsibilities.  I want healing physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

I read books, blogs and they a full of fluff and not the deep meat that I need to completely satisfy my hunger for God.

I don't blog more because I don't want to be thought of as a person who I am really not.  I love my family, I love my husband, and I know I beyond blessed.  I want to be honest with my hearts biggest desire.  If I am not honest I won't get healing.  I will be lying about who I am.  I don't want to plastic and fake.  I want to be who I am called to be from the deepest part of me, on every level of how people know me. 

I don't desire to all those things I loved to do before, sewing and baking, because I think my only desire is to be free from all the "ugly" in me.  But that selfishness and that desire are battleing and this has been a long battle.  I am worn out and tired but I know in the end my God will reign in my life!!  He is making me better and molding me to be His bride.  I am willing.  I may stumble but I will be an overcomer!!  I will be free!!  My God, My King is mighty and He is in control!!!!