nothing but the truth

If I wrote exactly how I felt right now...it would be this...failure.  My day/week/months has been me failing.....over and over and over in many many areas....but is it that I have to get to a breaking point before I allow God to work in me.  Why am I not listening?  What is it in me that doesn't listen?  O I can hear for other people.  I have one friend in a horrible place in life and she says God is using me to help her.  I am so frustrated and tired of this failure business.  I want a revelation of God's love.  I keep walking around this mountain and I want to turn north.("You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north." Deuteronomy 2:3) Right now I feel like I look north, wave at it, think "my north looks so pretty and peaceful" and then I just keep walking around the mountain....over and over and over.  I am tired...why can't my heart grasp "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." 2 Corinthians 4:16  I want to be renewed. Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."  I don't feel any of these....outwardly I can show them but deep down it's just blank...not filled.  What is keeping me from the Spirit?  I desperately need something to change.  I want that peace and comfort.  I know my God, I love my God, and I know he loves me....but what am I missing??