Oh change....

Do you know that feeling you get when God is about to make a big request from you?  Where you start getting little clues that will better prepare you for something big? It is happening to me.  I love my family.  I love my siblings but my sister and I are very different.  Lately, probably because I am preggo, I am realizing that being around her alot isn't very good for me and having her kids around mine, isn't good for my kids.  I was watching Joyce Meyers this morning while working out. She was talking about how you need to stop hanging out with people that aren't good for you.  I don't pity my sister.  I never have.  What happened to her and our families was terrible.  But pity won't bring my neice back.  But Joyce said one little sentence that put that feeling that God was about to make me do soemthing. She said that people with no purpose think that people with purpose are too structured and rigid.  My sister and I parent very differently.  My goal as a parent is to raise my children up to be followers of Christ, respectful, loving, kind, and mature.  I am hard on my children. I expect a lot out of them.  I am not perfect.  I am not always successful.  I am not consistant. My children are handfuls.  I spank them, I raise my voice sternly at them (some may call it yelling, but there is a difference when I yell when I am mad or when I am getting a point across).  There are times I fail so badly I think I have done irrepairable damage.  But I tell my children that a lot.  I apologize to them a lot.  I love my children a lot.  I pray for wisdom a lot.  My sister doesn't understand me.  At one point she made fun of me while I was in the process of discplining my children.  I was livid, but I didn't stand up for myself because I never have, ever with her.  She has no idea who I really am.  I become a timid mouse whenver she is around.  I have no idea what God is going to ask me to do regarding our relationship.  But something is going to change, I just know it. 

an update

Oh I am pregnant.  I am due May 12th.  At least that is my due date right now.  I love how God helps us forget all of the horrible moments of first trimester blahs.  This pregnancy has been my hardest.  I get migraines and have with each one.  This one I am getting them more and worse.  I was taking some medicine, but Friday I my pulse got up to 150.  I could't think and I had no idea what was going on with me.  The doctor told my not to take the medicine anymore, so I don't know what I am going to do.  I am praying for God's grace.  I have also been getting the jitters a lot.  I am trying to ignore them but it makes for a mommy with a short fuse.  I am praying this ends with my first trimester.  I pray I am farther along than I think so I will be over all of this sooner!! 

Today my baby girl turns two.  She is such a joy.  I love to just watch her and see her grow and develop.  I told Matthew her bday gift is the chance to be a big sister.  I always wanted to have a younger sibling and it never happened.  I didn't want Michelle to miss out!!  (that's not why I am having a 4th) 

Alyssa loves loves school.  She wakes up before me every day and asks if it is a school day.  She gets unhappy with me when I tell her it is the weekend.  She does good.  I think she will be like me, I was never the problem child, and I was never the top student, so I kinda passed through the cracks.  It was fine with me, but you don't get recognized when you are in that position.  I need to remember to praise her every chance I get.

Johnny is doing great too.  He is mister social and loves all of the girls in his class!!

Matthew just had a lot of chances at his office.  They are for the better but he is having to work ALOT right now to make up for some stuff.  I am praying God will show him how to organize everything so that he will have more time at home and be efficient at work too.  He is an amazing husband and father.  I love him so much!!

I am just praying God's will to be done regarding the sale of our house.  I would love to move but I want His will more than mine.  I know He is taking care of me. 

God's vision??

Yesterday was kind of a bad day for me.  Not because of the kids or any circumstances but just because.  I was driving around town,  I feel like that is all I have done lately, and an idea came to me.

I want to open a fabric store.  I love fabric.  I have yards of it tucked into many random places all over my house.  Where I live has no apparell or quilting fabric store.  Here is what I have invisioned for this store.  It will be simple and clean.  I want bright fabrics that are fun and girly!  I want to also offer many boy fabrics as well.  I want to have a couple of cute girl dresses displayed and people can come in and pick out the fabric they want and size they want for the dress.  I will make them for you!  I will also have a room where people that don't have a sewing machine can sew.  I would love the store to be downtown or in a victorian house here.  That has always been what I wanted in a store.

Well as I was driving yesterday,  I thought of having an after school program.  I would offer a after school pick up van and girls that want to learnt o sew can come for two hours after school.  Then the idea just grew from there.  I thought I could offer almost a home-ec type after school program.  Baking, cooking, sewing, bookkeeping and helpful hints for cleaning.  I have always had a heart for pre-teen and teen girls.  I would only take about 15 girls and if I had a fabric store in an old victorian home I could have an awesome place for something like this.  I would love if this could be a reality for me.  But I get scared thinking of all of the loistics for something like this.  And I know neither the store of the after school program will happen in the next year  At least I don't think they will. 

I just want to have it written down somewhere.  I want God's will to be done in my life.  If this is His vision for me I want do it.  If not, I will gladly release this vision. 

an update

I haven't written in a long time.  I have been busy trying to keep up with my three children and just enjoying not doing anything.

We had a great summer, we went to the beach twice for a week each time.  It was great and God really blessed me with great family. It was so nice to have my hubby for two weeks with no work involved.  He is working so much lately.  There are situations at his job that really need to be resolved but he doesn't want to say anything until God's timing because it could mean someone's job and ruin a friendship. I have been praying for favor and guidance for him. 

My A started kindergarten this week.  She has a hard time adjusting to new situations. She hasn't made any friends yet.  The sub in her class said she plays by herself.  But I think part of it is because her teacher has been out all week.  She knows her teacher outside of school and is confused why she hasn't been there.  The teacher's husband had to have 6 bypasses on his heart.  He is doing well now and should be home in the next day or so. 

My J started 3 year old preschool this week two.  He has had no problem adjusting and loves playing with all the kids.  His class has four boys and eight girls in it.  I think he feels right at home with all those girls! 

I didn't realize M would have a hrd time adjusting but her nap time has been thrown off and cut short beause of school pickups.  But we will figure it all out.  She and I are having fun together!!

A and J both had big birthday parties this year. J's was an airplane theme and A wanted princess and pirates.  They had a blast.  I love havin friends and family together to celebrate my children.  M is next and I haven't figured out what Iw ant to do for her yet.  I have a week or two before I need to worry about it. 

Emotionally I am doing great.  I think gos healed me in the areas I was struggling with.  Being able to talk my hubby while at the beach was much needed and he had to help me with all three kids.  I am learning my limitations with the children.  I know I can't take the shopping unless it is less than ten minutes in the store. When we do activites I am learning how to stop if I can feel myself getting frustrated at them. 

God has been good and is bring me to a place of peace in every area of my life.  I am excited by all His has in store for my family. 

july 18th, 2011

Today would have been my neice's birthday.  She would have been 6 years old.  My son is now older than she was when she died.  I miss her.  I miss my neice.  She was silly.  She loved pink.  Alyssa misses her playmate.  This is a pain that never really goes away. I don't express how her death has affected me very much.  I don't dwell on her not being here. I know my God is sovereign and I know He is king.  I will praise Him always and not faulter when life gets hard.  I see now how one day can change everything. I miss Sydney.  I miss the person my sister was before this all happened.  She still needs prayer.  I feel as though the accident happened last week when I am around her, not three years ago.

every day is a struggle

This morning is not good.  My children stayed up until after 10 last night so they could see their daddy that they haven't seen since Sunday.  I stayed up until 12:30 to see my hubby because h has been working  a lot lately.  I thought maybe my child would sleep in, but no she woke me up to her usual, Mom I am hungry and I want to watch a movie.  I have gotten that since she was able to talk and get out of bed herself.  Most mornings I can drag myself out  of bed and fix everything for her.  This morning I could feel my angry rising.  I wanted to yell at her and tell her to do it herself.  At one point she knew how to turn it all on but forgot.  I wanted to tell her she can wait a hour before she ate.  I needed rest.  But I didn't.  I did mumble and tell her stuff.  I don't remember what it was but it wasn't nice. 

I hate waking up like this.  I feel this bubble of anger rising up in me.  It is the kind that causes me to be short with my kiddos.  I know a lot of it has to do with little sleep, but it goes deeper.  I want to know the root of it.  Why am I so easily set off? 

A few things come to mind, but are they the reason?  My first thought is selfishness.  I don't like to be disturbed. I read Joseph Prince last night and he said "The Bible shows us that the most fundamental cause of problems in our lives is condemnation. With condemnation comes fear. Fear then induces stress which brings about the symptoms of the curse." 

Wat condemnation am I struggling with? But is that really what I need to focus on?  I need to focus on Jesus. Joseph Prince also said "My friend, condemnation is the root cause of the symptoms of the curse manifesting in your life. That is why you need to know that at the cross, God took all your sins, put them on Jesus and unleashed the full fury of His wrath against them until Jesus cried out, “It is finished!”All your sins have been completely punished in the body of Christ who was condemned for you. The root cause of all your problems has been dealt with. This means that the devil cannot enforce the curse in your life apart from your receiving condemnation. So come to the place of no condemnation and no sick leaves will sprout in your life!"

That is good stuff, but why isn't it sinking in deep?  I want His love to sink in so deep, that no matter what I am going through I don't hesitate to call out to Him.  But that is what this walk is all about, right?  To learn what God's love really.  Will we not really get it until we are in Heaven with Him.  But I don't want to wait that long.  I want it now.  I want it now!!!! I want it today, not in ten years, not when I die.  I want it now!!!!  Amen!

summer stuff

I have wanted to update on how things have been going but just haven't known what to say. I am not struggling like I was.  I still have days where I feel as if I am being pulled under again, but I am learning to know the signs and how to fight it.  It has helped that I had a two day trip where I was alone, no children to worry over, no schedule I had to make sure made everyone happy. It was just nice.  I am one to just go with the flow.  I rarely voice my opinion on where I want to eat or what stores I want to go into.  It was sooo nice to be able to just do what I wanted and no worry about pleasing those I was with.  Matthew was with me part of the time but he had to work for most of it.  It was the first time I had been without children overnight in five years.  I have either had my children with me or have been about 7-8 months preggo whenever we went away.  I realized I need to be alone.  Since then, I will go out alone, just to walk around a store and window shop.  It helps!! 

It also helped to go tot the beach for a week.  I had a rough start, we went with my in-laws, and I had to get adjusted to being around them.  I felt like I had to control my children a little more than normal which was hard.  After the firstf ew days tho, it got easier and we had a blast.  Despite J getting three black eyes, M stepping on a bee, A having croupe, J not sleeping well, M wheezing, Matthew steeping on a wasp, and probably more mishaps I can't remember right now.  It felt like every day someone had something wrong.  But the kids did great!

We are going again for a week with my family.  I am a little nervous because it will be a lot of people in a small space. And I am not a sit on the beach for 8 hours a day kind of person. My family is. So, we will see how it goes. We prayed about going and felt like we were suppose to. So, God can work everything out better than we can imagine!!

Anyway, We are just trying to survive the summer. A starts kindergarten in August and J starts halfday preschool.  I am looking forward to only having one child for part of the day.  I think it will be really good for him.