fruit

SO much is going on in my head today...

I love when God gives you just a simple truth and it can change your life! I was praying for my son because he gets really upset whenever he doesn't get his way.  I want him to be happy and joyful.  I was asking God what he needs to feel joyful.  And BAM! "²² But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,²³ gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!" Galations 5:22-23 As I was praying that my son would have the Holy Spirit be prevalent in his life. I felt like God was saying to me "which of these fruits do you see in your life?" Oh wowza! love...yes I love my children and my husband and my close friends and some family...but love? hmm....joy..nope, i just feel like i am in a constant state of tense...peace...most of the time but what if something major happened? patience, kindness, goodness, and gentleness?? just ask my children about those! They would probably tell you I am mean mommy!  Faithfulness? i am faithful when it counts but in the small things..kinda...self-control....ummmmm ask those 10 fun size butterfingers i just ate... So, needless to say I think I am missing something in my life. What little fruit I do have is small and kinda withered looking.  I want my fruit to be the talk of the town...the one that the people come far and wide to see.  But how do I do that?  How?  What am I feeding myself?  Is my fruit affected my weeds? Are the weeds blocking the supply to my fruit? Taking away the nutrients the fruit needs?? Lord, HELP ME!  I can't do this on my own.  I need you!  I need you and only you!  I want to crave you and only you!!! I don't want to be mediocre anymore! I want fruit that is healthy!

Anyway the rest can wait.  that is the biggest thing God is working on me!

Just putting this out there

Most of you know that my last pregnancy was difficult.  I had thyroid problems and just felt blah about 75% of my pregnancy.  Well starting in September I started having some of the same symptoms.  I had blood work done and the doctor said my levels were in the normal range.  The only issue that concerned me was the jitteriness I had.  And when I get jittery I have a very hard time controlling my irritability level.  And I tend to blow up on my kids a lot right now.  So I looked up online and found that many people don't feel normal when they are at the levels I am at.  I made an appointment with my endo doctor.  She is hard to see and it always takes 2 hours of waiting.  I went yesterday.  Told her how I was feeling and she dismissed all I said.  Then she said well you know that after having a baby you can feel depressed, here is a prescription for zoloft.  UGH! I left frustrated and almost in tears. Why do doctor's want to treat everything with medication.  She is a specialist doctor and really has no business diagnosing me with anxiety.  I think I would have felt better had she said something like, I really don't believe it is your thyroid, but to make you feel better let's do some more blood work, and if that comes back normal, I would suggest you see your regular doctor and they may be able to help you more.

And what makes me more frustrated is my DH, I think, agrees that it is just anxiety.  Though he said while talking to me "that he isn't saying that it is anxiety" but he talked to his mom about it all and she said I have had a lot on my plate and blah blah blah.  Please don't misunderstand me.  I am a mom of four children, my oldest is six.  I do have a lot on my plate.  But the jitteriness I get was exactly the same as when my thyroid levels were low.  I understand people really do suffer from anxiety and I am in no way down playing anything that they are feeling or  suffering from.  I just honestly don't think that is what is wrong with me.  And to be just thrown aside like I don't know what I am talking about is frustrating.  And if it is my thyroid levels I only have two doctors kinda close that I could go to, her and another doctor in Tally. I may try to get a second opinion. We will see tho. I may just tough it out and see if it goes away when I am done nursing and my hormones go back to normal.

I dislike having anything wrong with me. I tend to just ignore it and believe that God will heal me from whatever it may be.  SO I will believe that I am healed right now.!

Today I am 30

This is my birthday. I can honesty say I can feel a shift in my life. I am old and wise now :) okay not really but something is different.

Back before I got married I prayed a DUMB prayer. I don't know what I was thinking but I did it. I asked God to always keep my relationship with Him on the same level as my husbands. DUMB!! Man, have I seen this prayer answered. Of all the things Godi answers why this one?? Don't get me wrong, my hubby has a good relationship with Jesus and he is wise beyond his years. But his hunger for God isn't at the level I want for my own life. I have struggled and struggled until finally last week God revealed to me my DUMB prayer!! I repented and feel like a flood gate has opened for me! I have this hunger for God and all He has to offer me!

My biggest struggle is being a mom. It is constant, when I am asleep and when I am awake. I was talking to my mom about what she did when we were young to help her be a better mom. She says she listened to Jameas Dobson and read some of his books. So I ordered the same books she read 30 years ago! They are still relevant! And I can download his radio show onto my phone! I listen while I am in the car. The other author I have been reading is Lysa Terhuerst. Man, her writing speaks to me.

Anyway, I finally feel as if I am growing. I don't have that floundering through life feeling anymore. It is amazing! I

Joy

I think I need to come to the realization that this is my life. All craziness and juggling. With four children life is is a whirlwind. I fall into bed at night completely exhausted. I get little me time. But I need to be okay with my life. I need joy to be a permanent resident in my home. I now understand the verse that says the joy of the Lord is your strength. Without joy my life is messy and annoying. Handling my children isn't easier but there is so much more grace with I have the joy of the Lord. There is so much in our society that try's to steal our joy. Moms judging each other. Moms trying to keep up with the newest parenting technique. Family dynamics that challenge you daily. Friends that are well meaning. But each situation we are presented with is seen in such a different light when we are filled with joy. You don't have to be happy to have joy. You can be going through the hardest time in your life and still have joy. I want that. I want joy so I can come through this depths of motherhood with my sanity.

confessions of a "Supermom"

I get told a lot how brave I am or that I am a super mom. For some reason I recoil at these comments. I am not a super mom and I am not brave...my husband and I look at each other a lot and ask if we are just plum crazy.  I know that is what people think when they see me out and about with all four kids in tow. 

What makes a super mom? I sure don't feel like one and I don't want the pressure that creates.  I am Alyssa's mom.  I am Johnny's mom.  I am Michelle's mom. And I am Amelia's mom.  I am the mom of four active stubborn creative kids.  I fail multiple times a day.  I beg God to help me daily.  I yell, a lot.  I told Alyssa today that I need to work on it. I am not perfect. I am not brave.  I am just a mom.

To me a brave super mom is one that isn't selfish and pours every ounce of themselves into their children.  I am extremely selfish and with each child I bring into this world, I learn how selfish I am.  A super mom teaches their children to care about others above themselves.  If I could just get mine to learn how to flush the potty I am doing good.  A super mom reads books daily to their children.  I am good if I get one book partially read to them once a week. A super mom speaks in gentle tones and never get angry with their child. I yell, scream, breath fire daily. A super mom kisses boo-boos.  I hand mine a bandaid and tell them to get tough.  A super mom knows how to spot and prevent a fight about to errupt.  I somehow just make the fighting worse.  A super mom makes well balanced meals and has a  spotless house. HAHAHAHA...that is all I can say to that one. I could go on and on but I won't.

I say all of this to say I care about my children and I am learning daily what to do.  I want to win my child's heart.  That is what matters.  I am honest with my children.  I tell them and they see me cry out to God for help. God is my strength.  God is who is going to grow my children.  I am just a vessel He uses.  And daily I have to remind myself God gave me these four beautiful children, so He had to think I would be able to do this.  Being called a super mom implys I am the one that is doing it.  I am not because my children would be terrible if I was.  God is doing it through me.

Don't call me a super mom...just call me mom.

moving

so we have to move this weekend.  Our builder bought our house and is moving in while he builds his family a new one.  They unexpectedly sold their house and have to be out by nextwe ek.  So we have to be out by this weekend!  I am so mixed on this move.  I am excited about the new house and neighborhood.  I am bummed about leaving this house.  I have brought all four of my children home here.  It is full of so many memories.  I am going to miss my neighbor.  I just pray whoever ends up here will be an awesome neighbor to her.  I have lived on summerhill a majority of my life.  I moved here when I was in fourth grade. Moved away for college and bought a house a half a mile from my old one.  I am sad and unprepared for this!  But once we get to the new house I will be so excited!! 

Normally I am not one to be sentimental.  I just move on, but for some reason this one is harder than I thought!  Probably because the house doesn't seem like it will be ready this weekend.  There is a list of small things for them to fix!

And it is the start of summer and I am moving across town from our summer activity...swimming at Nana's pool!!! But it will all work out and we are so so so blessed.  God has blessed us in so many ways! I jsut pray everyone involved has felt God's love on our home.

Amelia's Birth

My fourth pregnancy was hard and I did not wait very patiently for it to be over.  Now that it is over I feel better than I did for nine months!

On Tuesday April 24th, I went to see my doctor, Novak, and I was 4cm dialated.  I begged him to help me out and strip me that day.  He said no, I won't do anything until you are 39 weeks.  I was sooo bummed.  There was a med student there and he examined me as well.  I didn't think much of it.

On Sunday, my neice had her birthday party.  Her grandad, Jackson, happens to be my obgyn.  He was also on call that night.  I tried talking him into meeting me up at the hospital after the party was over.  He wouldn't do it.  My mom even tried!  He said he wouldn't do anything until I was 39 weeks.  (which I am so thankful they wait.  Because it is safer for mom and baby!)

I had been having a lot of pains in my legs for a few days and it had gotten really bad by monday.  I felt as if my legs were bruised and they were tender to touch.  I had another appointment on Tuesday so I just waited to talk to the dr, Novak.  I got there and he walks in the room, without the student, and says...wanna be stripped today?  I said Yes!!  (I have been stripped before with other pregnancies without much success. I was pretty sure it wouldn't do anything) So he did that and I told him about my legs hurting.  He sends me to the hospital to get a ultrasound of my veins to make sure there are no blood clots.  The lady doing the ultrasound says how low the baby's head is and that she can't get a good veiw of one vein.  I don't have any clots she can see.  So they let me go home. 

I have a busy afternoon and so I run all over the place, I can't remember what all I had to do I just remember being all over the place that night.  I hadn't had any contractions so I just knew I wouldn't be having this baby that day.  I do know Matthew had to work really late and I had three kids to take all over the place.

Matthew got home around ten and I told him "I am going to bed, I want to get a good night sleep just in case I have a baby in the morning," I go to bed and have the best night sleep in weeks.

May 2nd 2012
I wake up around six. I feel good and I just want some alone time before I have to get kids up and ready before school.  I wanted a shower but was too lazy to take one, sure wish I had! I ate breakfast and went to get kiddos out of bed.  Once all three were up I started getting very easily irritated.  Everything they did was getting to me.  Then I started having what i thought was braxton hicks.  They were interupting my carefully timed morning routine.  I went to wake up Matthew to ask him to help me with the kids.  He looks at me and asks if I was in labor.  Isaid I don't know I just need to get the kids ready and off to school.  They weren't really regular, every 3 to 5 minutes sometimes 10 minutes.  I called my sis-in-law, who happens to be a nurse at my obgyn, and told her what was going on. She laughs and terlls me to go to the hospital. Soo, not only am i getting kids ready for school, now I am finishing up packing last minute things for my bag and the kids.  We finally get out the door by 7:40. Matthew asks me if he should just drop kids off at his parents and let them take them to school.  I say nah.... So we proceed to take Alyssa to school.  Matthew gets nervous because by this point I can't talk through the contractions.  School traffic is thick and Matthew gets more  and more nervous.  He doesn't want this baby to come in the car.  I tell him there are cops all over and we're fine.  We make it to Johnny's school and then take Michelle to the Y.  I call all the right people to let them know they need tog et kids and at what time. 

We make it to the hospital and get checked in about 8:10.  The nurse checks me and I am still at 4cms.  My contractions are hard and my stomach is really upset.  I can't go to the labor room until the doctor comes and checks me.  He gets there around 9:30 and I am "4 to 5 cm"  So not much progress at all.  I have to have an antibiotic because of GBS and once the first dose went through he would break my water.  At 10, I finally get moved to a labor room and have an iv set up.  My contractions are hard but  not unbearable. I am also given something to help settle my stomach.  It makes me sleepy but also helps relax me.  I have to labor on my back but I am okay with that because moving makes the contractions harder and faster.  I am told once the anitbiotic is done I can walk, get on a birthing ball, or whatever helps me through the pain.  Around 11:15 I keep feeling pressure and call a nurse.  She comes and checks me my water is bulging and she can't find my cervix.  She calls another nurse and she says the same thing.  They say they are going to call Dr jackson, who has the med student with him.  (Funny story, the med student happens to be someone I knew growing up.  His sister and mine were best friends when they were younger.  His mom and mine are friends. And Matthew did computer work for his mom a few years ago.  Small world!) While we wait I push a little just to help with the pain....my water exploded. Imagine shaking a coke and the openning it...yea the same thing happened with my water!  It is 11:30 and she said dr. j is on his way.  I tell her I need to push  and she tells me to let the contraction go and I can't push!  I tell her she is mean :)  I have another contraction and I need to push and the nurse telle me know...and I again say she is mean :) As soon as dr. J walks in the room I practically yell at him I need to push...he says okay. He looks to see how it is going and he says let's go...two pushes her head was out and another push and her shoulder was out.  Dr. J had to help because her shoulder was stuck but not as bad as Michelle's.  The med student even got to help.  It was his first time helping with a delivery, he had been in the room with some.  I didn't care who helped, I just wanted her out. 

Matthew was the one to tell me what the baby was.....He was sure it was a boy and I just knew it was a girl!  And I was right!  Amelia Rose was born at 11:45 am!  She was 9lbs 13oz and 21 inches long.  She is such a good baby.  I have been blessed with four amazingly wonderful children!!