A light

I am finally having more good days than bad.  Mother's day was kind of my turning point.  I had a complete break-down.  Like locking myself in the bathroom and not answering the bangs on the door.  I sat in that bathroom and thought, I am behaving worse than my children.  I send them to bed or give them spankings when they act like I did.  I emerged from the bathroom and didn't really want to talk to anyone.  I didn't want to go to my mom's house to eat, we were so close to staying home.  I didn't talk to anyone at my mom's house. I didn't care what they thought of me, I didn't care if they cared.  I was so close to tears the whole day, i didn't want any interaction with anyone.  But God started changing me.  I realized I felt free from what my family thought of me.  I don't need their approval to be me.  And then my dear hubby and I talked and I got released from even more junk. Like the pressure to sew/bake for others.  He made an excellent point, people start doing something good and then they're expected to do that for everyone.  An example, a woman at a church is good with children.  She starts by volunteering to help in her child's class at Sunday school.  She does great and gets asked to teach the next year.  She is slighty reluctant but agrees anyway.  She loves the children and wants to be able to minister to them.  She thinks, I will do it just this year.  Five years later she is still at it and not only is she doing a class, she is heading up vbs.  Then the director quits.  Everyone agrees she is going to be the perfect replacement.  She feels a false sense of responisibilty to those people and she agrees.  She doesn't really feel at peace about doing it, but it's for the children.  Without her the program will fail and who will minister to those children.  10 years later she is tired, grumpy, and her relationship with God is lacking an intimacy.  She is on a path of distruction.  Now, I am not that lady, but I could see myself going down that path.  Trying to be who everyone else, even myself, wanted me to be.  That lady that only makes homemade gifts, and always bakes the best baked stuff.  The pressure was holding me under and preventing me from moving forward with God.  I didn't understand all of this untilI read Hebrews 3:7 - 4:13.  (My hubby was doing a Bible study on it that week and wanted my opinion, God works in mighty ways) I can't get into everything now, because it would be a super long post, but it was just what I needed. It comfirmed what I had realized before hand.  The short of it is this, if you don't rest, you will be disobedient.  For me disobedience was unbelief and not truly believing God is who He says He is.  I was so worn out physically and spiritually the enemy was able to infiltrate my defense. 

Anyway,  there is a light at the end of this tunnel and I pray that the tunnel will be completely ending soon.  I want to be who God has called me to be, not who I always dreamed I would be.  Pressure is off and I am free to be that woman!!

The past three days have been horrible. I think this is the absolute worst I have ever treated my children.  Yelling and saying stuff that is just awful.  I wouldn't want a camera in my house right now.  LORD,  I am desperate.  What is wrong with me???  I don't want to be this way.  I take one baby step forward just to be knocked back three giant steps.   My King...I lay my junk at your feet,  You and You alone can make me new. 

Freedom....from facebook!!!

So I sat down and was going to disable facebook.  I had everything ready and chickened out.  But I was tired of the people I hardly knew taking up my time....taking away time from those I truly love.  So I deleted over 200 people from my facebook account!!!!! I would have deleted more but they were family and that is the whole reason I didn't delete it completely. 

It was so freeing to be able release that "need" of being needed by those around me.  People who I don't even know.  I see them in pubic and we don't even acknowledge each other.  Why do I want them to know my personal business.  Granted, I don't post too much personal on fb, but why would these people need to know anything about me??

It also frees a lot of my time because I am not being nosey in other people's lives that I don't know.  Why do I need their drama in my already hectic life? 

What brought this around? Many things, a conversation with a friend about feeling fake and lonely because of the superficialness (is that a word, oh well, I like it).  One "friend"  was going through a lot of drama and I hadn't talk to them in over 10 years. I felt bad for them but I didn't need the "vinegar" in my life.  And there were other people that posted negative thoughts, words, and just stuff I shouldn't care about. (oh be careful little eyes wht you see)  I was "surrounding" myself with toxic stuff that was not helping me with becoming free from the struggles I have.  It is one small step in the changes God has been working on me, feels like an overhaul in every area.

(I am watching Extreme Couponing as I write this.  It is rather frustrating but I won't go into here!!!)

On another note.  I called my friend, the one mentioned in a previous post, and I love how we can not even say Hi, How are you....It's more like, Oh, you called at the right time, I am soooo frustrated!  And we are struggling with getting weight off.  Our struggles are the same.  I want to be able to eat foods i like.  I like chocolate, cheese, bread, and cokes....oh and cake and cookies and peanut butter.  I don't want to have to give all of that up.  I want to be able control when and how much of it I eat.  Anyway, we agreed to pray for each other.  So, anytime I have a bad moment, I pray that God gives her strength and that her weight will melt away.  (ohhhh...glow in the dark chalk....nice)  Anytime I have a victory, I pray she will feel no guilt in her weak moments.  I hope that she will find success. 

wow, so this is long and I doubt you made it all the way through...to those that did...thank you!!!

my thought

I am probably going to regret saying this but it my opinion.  I an thankful for all of our troops and what our country.  I am thankful to be born an American.  God has blessed me beyond measure for all He has done. 

I read facebook and see what everyone has been posting about the death of Osama Bin Laden.  I thankful we are safe but a part of me grieves for the man.  I know, I know he is a murderer and a horrible person.  But I don't rejoice in anyone going to hell, no matter what sick and twisted things he has done.  I thought I was crazy for thinking this way, until I saw this verse: "Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice. Proverbs 24:17"