A long and hard battle will be won!!

What is God doing in me??  I know growth is essential in my relationship with God.  But lately it has been  rather hard.  I feel like I live on a rollercoaster, highs and lows, in every aspect of my life.  I see deep rooted things coming to surface and it is no fun.  I want the visible and strong relationship back, the one I had when I was in high school.  But i look and reflect on it and that relationship was so pure.  He was my everything, but I also had very little responsibilities.  No children, no husbands, no house to keep up.  It was a very selfish time in my life and therefore a time I could give to others.  But it was to others I loved and cherished.  They weren't a responsibility.  Now, my life requires me to be completely selfless and I am rebelling.  I allow my kids to watch too much tv so that I can have me time.  I over indulge in what I eat.  I drive myself crazy.  I am soooo ready for a freedom, a peace, and a joy that has been lacking for sooo long.  I have moments of those, but they fade and all that is left is the "ugly".  I want, desire, long to be beyond seeing the "ugly" and seeing who I am in Christ.  I WANT FREEDOM!!!!

God has placed in my life a friend for this season.  She is incredible and her faith is built on a rock.  I am learning how important that is.  She is shaken but doesn't crumble.  I have seen others crack and fall when put through what she has gone through.  I am blessed to know her and I cherish our friendship. 

I want a inpouring of the Holy Spirit.  I want a time to be completely engulfed in God's love and presence and not be bombarded by all of my other responsibilities.  I want healing physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

I read books, blogs and they a full of fluff and not the deep meat that I need to completely satisfy my hunger for God.

I don't blog more because I don't want to be thought of as a person who I am really not.  I love my family, I love my husband, and I know I beyond blessed.  I want to be honest with my hearts biggest desire.  If I am not honest I won't get healing.  I will be lying about who I am.  I don't want to plastic and fake.  I want to be who I am called to be from the deepest part of me, on every level of how people know me. 

I don't desire to all those things I loved to do before, sewing and baking, because I think my only desire is to be free from all the "ugly" in me.  But that selfishness and that desire are battleing and this has been a long battle.  I am worn out and tired but I know in the end my God will reign in my life!!  He is making me better and molding me to be His bride.  I am willing.  I may stumble but I will be an overcomer!!  I will be free!!  My God, My King is mighty and He is in control!!!!

nothing but the truth

If I wrote exactly how I felt right now...it would be this...failure.  My day/week/months has been me failing.....over and over and over in many many areas....but is it that I have to get to a breaking point before I allow God to work in me.  Why am I not listening?  What is it in me that doesn't listen?  O I can hear for other people.  I have one friend in a horrible place in life and she says God is using me to help her.  I am so frustrated and tired of this failure business.  I want a revelation of God's love.  I keep walking around this mountain and I want to turn north.("You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north." Deuteronomy 2:3) Right now I feel like I look north, wave at it, think "my north looks so pretty and peaceful" and then I just keep walking around the mountain....over and over and over.  I am tired...why can't my heart grasp "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." 2 Corinthians 4:16  I want to be renewed. Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."  I don't feel any of these....outwardly I can show them but deep down it's just blank...not filled.  What is keeping me from the Spirit?  I desperately need something to change.  I want that peace and comfort.  I know my God, I love my God, and I know he loves me....but what am I missing?? 

is this beneficial and constructive?

I am at a place.  That place where I am overwhelmed by my children, my eating, my house, and many other areas of my life.  I want to be reborn and become a new person.  I want to wake up in the morning and be the mom, wife, and housekeeper I have always dreamed.  I know this is the topic of many blog posts, but this is me.  I want me to be who God desires me to be.  I read books and they help for a minute, but they haven't stuck.  I try to do it on my own.  I can survive on my own, but that is what it is, I survive my life.  I am so tired of surviving.  I can watch what I eat for weeks, but I ultimately fail.  I can have days where I am the mother I desire to be, but I ultimately fail.  I fail, but if I allowed my Lord, my Maker to move in me, He won't fail.  He will be glorified.  Oh how I wish and pray that He will bring me to that place.  How do I get myself out of the way?  How do I just give Him complete and total control?

Recently He has brought this verse to me, 1 Corinthians 10:23-24 " “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is constructive. ²⁴ Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others" (NIV).  I can stay up late and watch tv until 12, but it doesn't benefit me in anyway to do it.  I tend to be grouchy and lazy when I don't get the rest I need.  I can eat that cupcake or the chocolate, but it doesn't benefit me in anyway.  It makes me frustrated that I can't control myself and that I am not the weight I want to be.(These are just two examples)  These aren't sins...but they don't help me in any thing I do.  God is showing me that if I focus on the good of others(being healthy so my children will have a mom for a very long time or keeping my house clean because I know it pleases my husband and keeps him mind clear) the selfish me that does whatever I want and doesn't think if it is beneficial or constructive will slowly disappear and I will become to woman God is calling me to be.I need the Lord to help me make the wise decisions.  It is my hearts cry, but I am getting in the way of what my heart wants. 

Always 2nd

I just found my mom had started a blog after Sydney had died.  It only had 6 entries.  I know my mom loved Syd.  She has always had a special connection to  Christina's children.  It got me thinking about if something were to happen to one of my children, would she have the same fond memories?  I know she would have good memories of them, but that fondness, that specialness she held for Syd.  I have always felt like second fiddle to my sister.  No matter what my sister does or says, my mom strives for her approval. I don't want my children to ever feel that way.  I want them to know their nana loves them just as much as Christina and even Patrick's children.  Sigh.....all my insecurities from childhood. 

On a completely different note. Our house hasn't sodl yet and the lot we wanted didn't work out.  So, we are still believing God will work everything out and we're not worried at all. 

Is Christmas really Saturday??  I am so not ready.  I have all the gifts...it's not that.  It's that Matthew works Friday and Monday, so it feels like an extremely busy weekend, not a holiday.  I am focusing on Jesus instead of the gifts this year.  Last year I worked hard to get the perfect(or what I thought would be perfect) gifts and I can almost bet that most of the ones that had the most thought didn't get used.  So this year, I wasn't into the perfect gift mode.  It was hmm, this will work.  Very bahhumbug of me...

Good night all!!!

News!!

I am not Pregnant!!!!  hehehe... I get asked a lot :)  My sister and sister-in-law are both preggo and they are saying I will be before they deliver.  I am believing that I won't be pregnant again for awhile.  Michelle is almost done breastfeeding.  Once she's done, it'll be five years of being pregnant or nursing.  I don't mind having my body be used to bring life and sustain life, but I would like a small break. :)

The real news it that we're going to build a house.  We have our house on the market and we have a piece of property under contract.  There has been an issue with the neighbor.  They built a deck 7 feet onto the property we want.  We are praying that everything gets resolved in a Godly manner.  That all three parties involved, us, the property owners, and the neighbor will have an outcome that benefits everyone.  I am also believe our house will be sold quickly.  Everything is in God's hands and Matthew and I feel at peace about everything.  The house we're going to build is going to be so great.  All the bedrooms will be upstairs with the laundry room upstairs.  Downstairs will have an extra room for the kid's toys, and my sewing stuff. Excited!!!!

wow....that ended up being long!

I haven't been a very good blogger lately.  I just feel so busy and the last thing I want to do is fill my time with typing and trying to express myself.  I also have been going through a pretty hard stage right now.  I don't want anyone to think I hate my kids or that I am always down/depressed.  I am starting to have more good days than bad.  I am beginning to come to terms that I am not the mom I always dreamed I was, but with God's help I can get there and be the mom He wants me to be. 

I am a part of a home group. My husband and I aren't apart of a church, but we're apart of a family of believers that love Jesus and want to serve Him in all we do.  We have nothing against church.  I miss some things about church, like praise and worship.  But I am slowly learning how to do that at home. I also think my kids are missing out on being taught more about Jesus.  But I am slowly learning how to do that at home.  It is so rewarding to hear your child is well-behaved and knows how to act in a bad situation away from home.  I my see a different child in my house, but God is rewarding my attempts to teach my children who He is. 

Anyway, all of that to get to this point (it's not what I sat down to write.)  This past Sunday night,  we were talking about many things, but it led to talking about how there are people that seem to have that connection with God, Mother Theresa, Billy Graham, and many others.  But what makes them seem to be chosen and set apart.  Someone mentioned they believe that they are truly God's beloved.  That they are loved by God so deeply that no matter what they're going through, they believe that they are God's beloved.  I remember when I was in high school, I was reading in Acts and was awed by the fact that His disciples were thankful for being persecuted.  Through their hard times, that knew that they were God's beloved.  I want to get to that place, where I know, really really know that I am God's beloved.  Out of all the people in the world, He has called me and I am His beloved.  We are all set apart, we are all God's favorite child.  I have three children, I love each one equally, and they are all my favorite.  Me, a human, who sins, can love my children  that way.  How much more and perfectly can God love each one of us that way!!  Every day, I am telling myself "I am my Beloved and He is mine, His banner over me is love..." in every situation, I sing it.  Soon, I will truly, with my whole heart, mind, and soul believe that I will always, no matter what, be my Lord's beloved!!!

To clarify

Wow, my last post was a real downer.  I didn't mean for it to be.  I am doing well in most areas of my life.  I just feel like I am being tweaked as a mom.  I use to not care how much tv my kids watched and honestly, it babysat my kids so I could get things done.  I realized that I need to turn it off.  I'm allowing my kids an hour of tv at home a day.  That means that they're underfoot most of the day.  I get to spend more time with them, I just wish it was quality time and not me yelling at them.  I want a fenced in backyard...the house we want has one....it will be so nice Lord....your will not ours!!